“I didn’t feel right from the moment I woke up,” says Amina. “I knew it was going to be a bad day.”
My friend pauses to sip her coffee before continuing: “Do you ever have those days when you feel tired and out of sorts? It’s so hard to communicate properly. You say the wrong thing. It feels like no one’s listening.” I nod.
“We’d been invited to Sandy and Matthew’s party. But yesterday, I just didn’t want to go. I moaned and Jake told me that I’d been the one to accept the invitation, not him. And then we got into a huge argument. I said I wasn’t going. Jake said it was too late to back out. And then I told him to go without me. And he said not to be silly. I couldn’t stay home by myself. He insisted we’d have a good time once we got there. Anyway, the kids were looking forward to the party. I suppose they were until we started arguing. At that moment, they were hiding away, probably wishing I’d cheer up and things would get back to normal.”
“So what happened?” I ask.
“I refused to go to the party and Jake kept trying to change my mind. The minutes ticked by. Then Jake said, ‘We’re going to be late,’ and I felt even worse because I knew he was going to give up and go without me.”
“But you didn’t want to go.”
“But I didn’t want to stay at home either. I was all churned up inside. What if everyone went to the party and enjoyed themselves and I was left alone to wallow in my misery?”
“So you went?”
“Yes, at the very last minute, I ran out of the house slamming the door behind me and got in the car. Jake smiled, but I refused to smile back. I sat in stony silence the whole way to the party. When Sandy greeted me at the door, I had to pretend everything was okay. Have you ever had to slap a smile on your stiff face and hope no one notices you’re in a rotten mood?” I nod.
“The kids went off in search of their friends and Jake helped himself to a beer. He asked me if I’d like a glass of wine. I wanted to say yes, but I said no. I was determined not to have a good time. But Jake looked like he was enjoying himself. This really annoyed me. How could he smile and make small talk when I felt so miserable? It didn’t seem right.”
“So what happened?”
“A few people talked to me and I tried not to show them that something was wrong, and then that got too hard so I retreated to the far corner of the garden by myself. I had my camera with me so I took some photos and tried to look busy and normal.”
Amina stares out the cafe window for a long moment. And then she looks at me and says, “I felt so bad inside.” A tear slides down her cheek. “I just wanted to leave the party. Get in the car and drive away. Keep driving and never return. I thought I’d be doing Jake and the kids a favour. Surely they didn’t want to be with me? I didn’t even want to be with me. So I went in search of Jake and asked for the car keys and told him I was leaving. He didn’t want me to go. He said he needed me. I refused to believe that and kept demanding the keys. Eventually, Jake gave them to me and I walked to the car.”
“Did you drive away?”
“No. I didn’t really want to leave.”
“What did you want?”
“I wanted things to be normal again. I wanted to put things right. But I just didn’t know how to do that.
“I walked down the street and then came back and sat on the bench that’s in Sandy’s front garden. I stared at my feet trying not to cry. And then I heard someone coming through the garden gate. I took a deep breath. It was Pia. She sat down next to me. I don’t know how she knew I was in the front garden by myself. I thought she was with all the other teenagers.
We sat quietly together for a couple of minutes and then Pia reached out for my hand. I looked up and she was smiling. It was such a gentle, warm, loving smile. It was as if she was saying, ‘I love you, Mum. It’s okay.’ Pia pulled me close. And all those miserable feelings melted away. I felt so loved. I’d failed, but it didn’t matter. I was loved regardless.”
“So everything was alright?”
“Yes. I had wanted to put things right, but I couldn’t do it alone. I was in too deep. Pia recognised that. She wanted to help me. When she reached for my hand, instantly, everything was okay.”
Amina finishes her coffee and then she says, “Do you know how it feels when you fail, but no one criticises you? What it feels like when they don’t hold your actions against you but just want to help? How it feels when other people are more concerned about you than what you have done to them?”
“You feel like you want to be the best person in the whole world.”
Amina raises her eyebrows in surprise. “You understand!”
“You want to be worthy of all that love? You want to be the best wife and mother you can possibly be?” Amina nods.
My pretend friend reaches for my hand. And I whisper, “Oh yes, I understand perfectly. Every word. Your story could be mine.”
This story is based on episode 21 of my podcast, Being Honest: Talking About Mistakes and Perfection.
Love is so very powerful, isn’t it? Whether we are a child or a parent, it can transform us into the people we are meant to be.
Oh yes Sue! You have captured this perfectly.
I totally understand about being too deep in and needing someone to reach in and help you out again. Ah love, it is a powerful and strong and yet fragile force. Thanks for your writing.
Xo Jazzy Jack
Jack,
It can be a risk writing about failure because what if I’m the only person who has these experiences? It might be better to pretend I have everything worked out and never fail. Anyway, I’m so glad you stopped by with your understanding words. Thank you!