Acts of Love

My pretend friend Amina appears on my doorstep, “I need to talk,” she says. “I have a problem that’s very frustrating. I need some advice.”

I make two mugs of coffee, and hand one to Amina, who says, “My daughter Pia is hopeless when it comes to bringing back her mugs from her bedroom. When I’m making tea or coffee for everyone, I can never find a mug for her. I end up shouting, ‘Pia, I can’t find any of your mugs! You’ll have to bring some back if you want a drink.’”

Amina tells me that she hates nagging her daughter. Doing that just makes my friend feel hot and bothered. It doesn’t change the situation: Pia’s mugs remain in her bedroom. “I need a new approach to the problem,” says Amina. “Sue, what would you do?”

But Amina doesn’t wait for my answer. She’s had an idea of her own: “What if I just knock on Pia’s door and ask if I can help her? I could say, ‘Do you have any mugs that you’re finished with? I could take them to the kitchen for you.’ If I do this, I’ll always be able to find a mug for Pia when I’m making a hot drink.”

Amina takes a sip of her coffee and then adds, “But should I step in and do something that Pia really should do for herself? If I help her, I hope she’ll say, ‘Mum, I should take my own mugs to the kitchen.’” Amina looks and me and says, “But will she?”

Before I can give an opinion, Amina continues: “Maybe that question is irrelevant. I shouldn’t help Pia just to make her feel guilty, should I?  If I’m going to collect her mugs, I’ve got to do it with no strings attached. I need the mugs in the kitchen. For some reason, Pia is finding this hard to do, so I’m willing to help. Problem solved.”

But will Pia take advantage of my friend’s helpfulness? Will it encourage her to be lazy?

“I think Pio will appreciate my help. She’ll notice it. It will encourage her to help other people.” Amina pauses and then says, “Actually, Pia already does help. She’s always stepping in when she sees something she can do for someone.”

I think about Amina’s words: Do we tend to look at what our kids are failing to do rather than at all the wonderful things they’re actually doing? Do we focus on the negatives rather than the positives?

Amina isn’t finished: “When we notice that a member of our family is having trouble doing something, instead of nagging them, could we think, ‘Wonderful! I have an opportunity to show my love’? For example, one of my sons has a reputation for being hopeless for taking his library books back. Instead of banning him from going to the library ever again, could I happily show my love by keeping track of his books myself?”

Yes, acts of love are much better than nagging, aren’t they? They spread love from person to person.

Amina drains the last few drops of coffee from her mug and jumps to her feet. ”Look at the time! I’ve got an appointment to go to. I’d better be on my way,” Then my friend adds, “Thank you so much for solving my problem.”

”I didn’t do anything,” I protest.

As I’m waving goodbye to Amina, I think about how we often try to solve people’s problems for them. We want to step in and give them some fabulous advice. Make things right for them. But sometimes all we should do is listen.