Unschool: Favourite Kids

I write a message beginning with the words, “Hey, my favourite second son!” And Callum replies, “Hey, my favourite mother!”

It’s our joke. A bit of fun. But it’s also true: Callum is my favourite.

But I have lots of favourite children. As well as my favourite second son, I have a favourite first son and a favourite third one too. And then there are my five daughters: lots of favourites there! 

Some people warn parents not to have favourites because if we favour one child over another, someone will feel left out, not fully loved, and not good enough. And, probably, favouritism will result in sibling rivalry and a lot of bad feelings. Just think about Joseph and his jealous brothers.

So, having a favourite child is probably not a good idea. But what if we make every child a favourite? Is that even possible? Oh yes!

If we look closely at each of our children, setting aside our preconceived ideas of who they should be, we’ll notice how unique and awesome they are. Everyone has individual talents, interests, personalities, dreams, appearances, quirks and strengths. It’s amazing, isn’t it, how siblings can be the same but so very different? So many combinations, starting with the genes of just two parents.

All our children bring something of their own to our families and the world. Isn’t that wonderful? Isn’t that enough to make each and every one of our kids our favourite in some way?

If one of our kids doesn’t feel like a favourite, perhaps we need to work on our connections. Put aside our ideas. Stop comparing. Instead, listen, observe, accept and appreciate. And love unconditionally.

Imagine limiting ourselves to only one favourite. Why have a restricting approach rather than a generous one? Why not want it all? Every relationship should be a favourite one. If not, we’re missing out.

I write a message to Callum, beginning, “Hey, my second favourite son!” and hit ‘send’ without rereading my words. The reply comes swiftly back: “What happened? If I’m your second favourite son, who’s your favourite?” ? 

You could:

✪ Do Challenge 37 from my book The Unschool Challenge: Getting to Know Your Kids:

We’ll know when we truly know our kids: a feeling of awe and wonder will envelop us when we’re with them. Children are amazing, aren’t they? They’re caring and compassionate and have a huge capacity for work. They’re curious and think deeply. If we listen to our children, we’ll learn so much and see the world in a completely new way. They’ll change our lives forever.

✪ Read my story Sibling Rivalry which is in my book Radical Unschool Love:

Give lots of time to each child. Arrange one-on-one times.

Don’t compare children. Each child is unique. Each child brings something special and valuable to the family.

Appreciate the differences between children. Encourage siblings to appreciate these differences too.

Don’t have favourites. Or make every child your favourite.

✪ Write an Amazon review of my book, The Unschool Challenge, (if you like it!). I’d really appreciate you doing this. At the moment, I only have two reviews. They’re both good so they make me smile, but I’d love a few more. Reviews help spread the word, and I’d like everyone to know that it’s possible to unschool!

Thank you, Flik, for your kind review:

5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant book, a must read for every home educator.

I’m currently working my way through this book and I’m really enjoying it. Sue’s relaxed way of writing makes it feel like you’re sitting down to have a chat with an old friend. The challenges so far have really helped me work through some unschooling wobbles and reconnect with my reasons for choosing this way of life for my family. I particularly love the examples Sue shares from her long experience of being an unschooling home educator. Once I’ve finished with this I’ll definitely be investing in her other books.

So, what do you think? Can we make every child a favourite? Can we live every relationship to the full?