If our children misbehave, what do we do? Make them sit on the time-out chair? Punish them? Perhaps we should withdraw our love. Be cold and distant. Make things unpleasant for our kids because they need to know how upset we are, don’t they? We want them to feel bad because then, maybe, they’ll remember to act in the right way next time they’re tempted to misbehave.
Or could all that be wrong?
What if we were to forgive our children instantly? We could continue to love them unconditionally. We might even show them some empathy. Life is difficult. There are times when we fail to behave as we should, parents as well as children.
Of course, as well as our love and forgiveness, our kids might need our guidance when learning right from wrong. (If we’re closely connected, we can offer our help and our kids will usually listen.) And they also need our example. Even when we fail, we provide a good example. As long as we’re willing to get back on our feet and try again.
Sometimes when I share this unconditional love approach to discipline with other parents, I can see that they don’t believe it will work. They say, “If we forgive our kids instantly, what kind of lesson are we teaching them?” They assume that their children will think, “I got away with that! I will misbehave again because I know I’ll be forgiven.” Even though this sounds reasonable, it’s not what happens. How do I know? Well, I’ve observed my kids when I’ve shown them love regardless of their behaviour. More importantly, I’ve experienced forgiveness and unconditional love myself.
As I said in my book Radical Unschool Love:
… When we fail and are forgiven, we want to become better people. I know this from experience. When I fail, and my kids wrap their arms around me and say, “Mum, it doesn’t matter. We love you!” I want to be the best mother in the world. I also want to make up for my mistake and put things right. Why should it be any different for kids? Some people say we shouldn’t reward bad behaviour with love. But love is necessary. It’s what gets our kids (and us) back on track again. Love is powerful. It can transform people.
And perhaps bad behaviour is a sign that our child has a need that isn’t being fulfilled. Our child doesn’t need punishment. She needs our empathy and love…
A lot of Christians use quotes from the Bible to justify a strict method of discipline that includes punishments such as smacking. Here’s one:
Spare the rod and spoil the child.
So Christian unschooling parents might be criticised for using love instead of punishment to teach their kids about right and wrong. Surely if we don’t punish, we aren’t doing our duty? We should be tougher with our kids. Tough love, you know. Or maybe what we’re doing is in perfect accord with our beliefs.
A week or two ago, I was reading the Gospel of Luke:
One of the Pharisees invited Jesus to a meal. When he arrived at the Pharisee’s house and took his place at table, a woman came in, who had a bad name in the town. She had heard he was dining with the Pharisee and had brought with her an alabaster jar of ointment. She waited behind him at his feet, weeping, and her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them away with her hair; then she covered his feet with kisses and anointed them with the ointment.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, ‘If this man were a prophet, he would know who this woman is that is touching him and what a bad name she has.’ Then Jesus took him up and said, ‘Simon, I have something to say to you.’ ‘Speak, Master’ was the reply. ‘There was once a creditor who had two men in his debt; one owed him five hundred denarii, the other fifty. They were unable to pay, so he pardoned them both. Which of them will love him more?’ ‘The one who was pardoned more, I suppose’ answered Simon. Jesus said, ‘You are right.’
Then he turned to the woman. ‘Simon,’ he said ‘you see this woman? I came into your house, and you poured no water over my feet, but she has poured out her tears over my feet and wiped them away with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but she has been covering my feet with kisses ever since I came in. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. For this reason, I tell you that her sins, her many sins, must have been forgiven her, or she would not have shown such great love. It is the man who is forgiven little who shows little love.’ Then he said to her, ‘Your sins are forgiven.’ Those who were with him at table began to say to themselves, ‘Who is this man, that he even forgives sins?’ But he said to the woman, ‘Your faith has saved you; go in peace.’
In my missal, this reading was introduced with these words: Her many sins have been forgiven, or she would have not shown such great love.
Aren’t we called to imitate Jesus? Shouldn’t we forgive our kids rather than make them suffer for their mistakes? If we do forgive, our children will want to be worthy of our love. They will want to make up for anything they’ve done wrong. They will want to become the people God created them to be.
Some Extra Things
A Podcast
Here’s a podcast about mistakes and forgiveness. In episode 21, Being Honest: Talking About Mistakes and Forgiveness. I share how my family helped me get through a very difficult day by loving me despite my failings.
An old Facebook post
I’ve had lots of days when I’ve needed help and forgiveness and love. Here are some words that I posted on Facebook a few years ago (before I deleted my account) about another difficult time:
Do you ever have times when you fall apart? You just can’t cope? You question everything you’re doing? I felt like this last week. You see, we’re not a perfect family. In particular, I’m far from the perfect mother I’d like to be. I’ve wondered if I’m on the wrong pathway. What if I’m leading others astray by sharing my stories?
Yes, I’ve had a low week. But this morning, I woke up and one of the first things I thought about was how, the other day, when I wasn’t coping, when I no longer wanted to be a mother, my girls wrapped their arms around me and held me tight. They didn’t criticise and condemn me. They just loved me as I was. All the pain and hurt came flooding out with my tears. It was okay. Unconditional love. That’s what it’s all about. We don’t have to be perfect. As long as we love and forgive and help each other. And that’s what I’d like to share with you today.
Lots of other parenting stories
You can also find that old FB post in my book Radical Unschool Love. I incorporated it into a story. Of course, you’ll find lots of other unconditional or radical love stories in my book!
Photos
My daughter Sophie took these photos of Charlotte, Imogen and Gemma-Rose on Charlotte’s birthday.
So, what do you think? Do you think we should forgive instantly? Have you ever experienced the power of unconditional love?
And have you checked out my latest Unschoolgram posts? Earlier today, I wrote something about social media and silence. You can find that post on the Unschoolgram: 2019 October and September page.
One thing I realized early on thanks to some other godly women who wrote online is that parenting with compassion, grace, and unconditional love takes a lot more thought, effort, and prayer than simply following the “standard” way of Christian parenting. But it yields the better fruit in the long run.
We spanked a few times and stopped. I knew it wasn’t right for our family and child, but it was what I knew. I am so thankful we stopped because just that little bit caused distrust and fear in our child that took a long time to overcome. Not enough Christians understand the trauma and upset that basic spanking even done “properly and biblically” can do to some children.
I can also remember the moment I realized the power in what we model to our children. Our children need to hear US say, “I’m sorry that I {insert explanation of what you did wrong and why it was wrong}. Will you forgive me?” both to them and to other adults. Too often all they hear is, “Say you’re sorry” or “Tell so-and-so you’re sorry” without hearing any of the reasoning or SEEING IT IN ACTION TOWARD THEM.
The other big thing in our home is humor. Some people might find it odd to mention the power of humor in conjunction with Christian discipline, but it’s true. Sometimes humor is simply the best approach rather than escalating something. Not every mistake made by a child is sin or defiance. Sometimes it’s simply childishness that doesn’t truly know better.
Lastly, I learned to save the hill dying for the really big issues. I’ve carefully chosen which hills I’m willing to die on. Because we give much grace and freedom, when we do have to stand strongly about something, we’ve already invested a lot of capital into the relationship. Then our daughter knows we are very serious about a particular issue because we normally will work with her toward a gracious compromise that works for all of us.
As you can tell, this is a topic about which I feel very strongly! LOL!
Sallie
Sallie,
I love your comment. I’m agreeing with everything you said!
Yes, parenting with unconditional love, grace and compassion might sound easy. I wonder if some people think we’re just avoiding possible battles with our kids by not threatening dire punishments if they misbehave. Perhaps we should make sure our children know who’s boss so that they’ll obey us and do what is right. But choosing to love and forgive even when our kids fail isn’t easy, is it? But we do it because it’s the right thing to do. And yes, there are many fruits when we choose this approach to parenting. As well as our children being good people, we have strong relationships, and we enjoy each other and have lots of fun! (And I’m no longer a dragon mother!)
Sallie, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’m glad you feel strongly about this topic. So do I! (I bet our kids are glad too!)
Beautiful,Sue! Good to think about this kind of compassion for people of all ages.Thank you for the bible reference:).
Erin,
Compassion? Oh yes, that’s what we all need, not condemnation. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever posted a quote from the Bible!
I’m glad you liked my post!
So naturally I like what you have to say. I have to say I am reading your posts out of order and I just read the post about being at a crisis point. Is it possible that we can make things too comfortable for our children, especially children who are prone to seek comfort rather than growth or is it not our place to make our kids uncomfortable? My mother in law has a habit of being blatantly unfair to her grandchildren and she once said to me about this, “life isn’t fair!” but what my mother said and I tend to agree here is that it is not up to us to make life unfair for our children and grandchildren. Life can be plenty unfair on its own!!! Anyway, what do you think? I worry about one of my young adult children not breaking out of her comfort zone enough.
Venisa,
I agree that we don’t have to make life deliberately unfair for our kids. Life will never be easy for any of us. Perhaps our family should be the one place where we all feel safe, accepted, loved and comfortable. It’s easier to deal with the problems of the world when we know we have a safe refuge to retreat to.
It’s true that if we are to grow and learn and become the people we are meant to be, we need to be prepared to step outside our comfort zones. Maybe we find this easier to do when we feel safe. I like this John Holt quote:
If we continually try to force a child to do what he is afraid to do, he will become more timid, and will use his brains and energy, not to explore the unknown, but to find ways to avoid the pressures we put on him.
Fear is the reason that we’re reluctant to step outside our comfort zones.
Comfort zones are different for different people, aren’t they? We might be afraid of doing something that another person might find easy. It’s individual. And do we all need to do the same things? Perhaps we’re all brave in our own ways. When your daughter visited us, she did something that I wouldn’t have been able to do at her age. She travelled halfway around the world to stay with people she’d never met. That would have required a lot of courage. Perhaps our children do step outside their comfort zones but not in the way we think they should. Anyway, I have a lot of admiration for your daughter!
Sue, may I just take a moment to say thank you for your blog, for your voice. I am a New Zealand unschooling mother of two (one of whom has chosen school at the.moment!) and am in the process of realizing that I will probably convert to catholicism from atheism…I want to thank you because you have one of the most encouraging voices on the internet, in the spaces I have been reading for the last few years. Your beauty and grace presented in your work uplift me, and your honest vulnerability gives me quiet encouragement. You show that you are a human, a person. I believe your children and husband…indeed all your readers…are blessed to know you. Thanks for working so hard. Tess
Tess,
Your words are so heart-warming. Thank you! I’m smiling as I write this reply. Converting to Catholicism? You might know that I once said I’d never become a Catholic. But I did. I have been truly blessed. I pray that you receive similar blessings and joy as you explore Catholicism.
I’m so pleased you introduced your family. Another New Zealand friend! One day, I hope to visit your beautiful country and take thousands of photos of your stunning scenery.
Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by to give me such beautiful feedback which will encourage me to keep writing. I appreciate your kind words very much. Maybe we could stay in touch? If I can help you in any way, please let me know. I will keep you in my prayers.