16 April 2018

How to Get Our Children to Trust Us

Unschooler Gemma-Rose listens to my strewing suggestions because she trusts me.

If we’re going to unschool, we need to trust our kids. We often discuss this. But do we ever think about whether our kids can trust us? It’s not a one-sided thing. Unschooling is built upon a foundation of mutual trust.

So how do we get our children to trust us? I shared some ideas in this story which I wrote when Gemma-Rose was nine.


My daughter Gemma-Rose shows one of her ballet paper dolls to Sophie, and says, “She’s wearing a Firebird costume.”

“I remember listening to that music!” says Sophie, with delight.

I also remember listening to The Firebird Suite. I say, “I could find that piece of music on Youtube if you like.”

The girls nod and soon we are settled in front of my laptop watching a rather grandly dressed conductor directing the various instruments of the orchestra.

When the 10-minute clip comes to an end, I have another suggestion. “I wonder if there are any videos of The Firebird ballet.” The girls sit impatiently while I search. Yes, there are lots of them. We take our pick, and soon we’re watching the firebird dance around the damsels in Kashchei’s enchanted garden.

Sophie knows the story and asks if I can find the bit where the prince smashes the egg containing the evil ogre’s soul. I don’t actually find a clip of that small segment of the ballet, but I do discover a much longer 45-minute video of The Firebird which looks very promising.

“Shall we watch that another day?” I ask. The girls nod.

And then someone remembers the older kids drew pictures of the firebird years ago. Sophie and Gemma-Rose gather pencils and paper and are soon busy drawing their own representations of this mythical creature.

I sit and think while they draw. This morning, we didn’t know we were going to learn about Stravinsky and The Firebird Suite and the ballet. It just happened. I picked up on something Gemma-Rose said and made a few suggestions, which she and Sophie were eager to follow.

I often say, “How about…” or “Would you like…” and “We could… “ and my girls’ eyes usually light up, and moments later, we find ourselves on a wonderful learning adventure. Yes, my daughters are happy to listen to my ideas, even ones that at first don’t sound very attractive. The other day, I gently teased Gemma-Rose by saying, “We could do some maths,” and she actually replied, “Okay.” Did she think I might have found an interesting way to present a topic she is very wary of?

Why are my girls so open to my suggestions? Could the answer involve both love and trust?

My children love learning. They know it’s a natural part of life. Everyone does it, including adults. So when I make a suggestion, they know I am just sharing learning ideas that all of us might enjoy. Usually, we end up learning something new together. I talked about this in my post, How to Make Children Do Their School Work.

And secondly, I think they trust me. Trust me? Isn’t unschooling all about parents trusting their children, and not the other way around? No, trust has to be mutual.

We can say we trust our children and we are willing to let them direct their own learning, but sometimes we have a secret agenda. We try to sneak in certain learning experiences, ones that we feel are essential. We don’t really trust our children to learn by themselves. We ‘suggest’ they might like to learn a maths concept. Or perhaps we find a round-about way to test their spelling. Children are clever. They realise what we’re doing. They become wary of our ‘suggestions’ and no longer trust us.

READ  A Main Course of Reading Out Loud

When our suggestions become important to us, they end up not being suggestions at all. Children know they are not really free to pick and choose from the menu of experiences we are strewing their way. They know we are going to be disappointed if they turn around and say, “No thanks. I’d prefer to do something different.”

And maybe there’s another way we can influence the effectiveness of our suggestions. It’s all to do with control. Can you remember, as a child, asking a question and receiving a long lecture? Adults are good at seeing an opening and then taking over. Children’s eyes glaze over and they lose interest. I try to gauge my kids’ level of interest and respond to their needs, not use the moment to swamp them with every piece of information I think they need to know. If I didn’t hold back, I’m sure that if I suggested an activity they might think, “Oh no! We’d better not agree or we’ll be caught for hours!” Again, I would lose their trust.

On Monday, Sophie, Gemma-Rose and I are going to settle on the sofa and watch a longer version of the Firebird ballet together. I can’t wait. I love learning new things. So do my daughters. I might point out a few things as we watch, but I certainly won’t lecture. (They will probably point out a few things to me too.) Then afterwards, I won’t test them by asking a hundred different questions. (I am sure they’ll tell me all about the ballet without any prompting.) I will just let the girls enjoy.

Oh, yes, there’s one other thing I will do. While we’re watching, more suggestions for further adventures may occur to me. Learning happens that way all the time.  I’ll be sure to scribble any possible ideas down in my notebook. Then at an appropriate moment, I will be able to say, “How about we…?” And the girls might just say, “Wow, that sounds interesting! When can we do that?”

Or they might not. It really does not matter at all.


I’m rewriting or editing some of my older stories so that I can include them in my unschooling book. This is one of them. I thought it might be good to repost How to Get Our Children to Trust Us because it’s a story about when my kids were younger which makes a change from my usual teenage unschooling posts. So now I’m wondering if I should repost more younger-children stories. What do you think?

And what do you think about mutual trust? How do your kids respond to your strewing suggestions? Perhaps you have some stories to share as well.

Sue Elvis

I'm an Australian blogger, podcaster, and Youtuber. I write and speak about unschooling, parenting and family life. I'm also the author of the unschooling books 'Curious Unschoolers', 'Radical Unschool Love' and ‘The Unschool Challenge’. You'll find them on Amazon!

6 Comments

  1. Yes rabbit trails are a great way of everyone learning something new together ? You have been writing quality posts for several years and re introducing older stories is a great way of encouraging any new readers on the life learning journey. Thanks for stopping by yesterday it was lovely to see your smiling face in the comments ?❤️

    • San,

      Yes, I was thinking about new readers. These days I write mostly about teenage unschoolers, and maybe no one realises that there are lots of stories about younger unschoolers in my archive. Perhaps it’s okay to pull a few to the top of the pile!

      I enjoyed visiting you and seeing all your photos. I don’t stop by to say hello often enough. I always love chatting with you. Sending love xxx

    • Meredith,

      I love revisiting old posts too and soaking up all the memories. Where does time go? I’m glad you enjoyed this story. Hope to chat with you soon. xxx

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