Is It Okay if Parents Want to Influence Their Unschooling Kids?

Is it okay if we try to influence our unschooling kids? What if we’d like them to acquire particular values? Can we expose them to our beliefs? Or should we stand back and try to keep quiet about the things we base our lives on and let our kids work out everything for themselves?

Let’s say we decide it’s not right to influence our kids in any way. What would life look like? Imagine if we never shared an opinion. What if we avoided talking about anything important, sticking to safe, bland topics? We’d have to be careful not to do anything that might give our kids a hint about our beliefs or values. Is it even possible to live this kind of life?

Even if we’re successful in keeping our beliefs and values to ourselves, sometimes it’s the things we don’t share that tell the world and our kids a lot about who we are.

If we don’t make a point of being kind and respectful, our kids may think it’s okay to be unkind and disrespectful.

Similarly, if we never talk about religion, they will pick up that we might not have a faith that’s important to us.

We live in a world surrounded by ‘influencers’. Some people adopt this label on social media as they try to convert us to their way of thinking. But we’re all unofficial influencers. We tell each other about books, podcasts, products, music and movies we’ve discovered. We share information about such things as holidays, politics, health, fitness, parenting and education. We chat about unschooling. Yes, we’d like others to listen to our opinions, share our passions, and adopt our way of thinking. We want to pass on the good things in life.

Maybe passing on values such as kindness and respect is more acceptable than sharing our religious beliefs with our kids. Our faiths are personal, while values can be universal. Most of us would agree that we’d like our kids to be honest and hardworking. But many parents say, “I’m not going to impose a religion on my kids. They can work that out for themselves when they grow up.” Interestingly, most of these people don’t have a faith of their own. Is it easy to be detached about the things we don’t really care about?

But what if we do have a faith that we believe is true? We might not feel comfortable sharing it with everyone. We could keep silent or even pretend we’re not religious when talking with some people. But is that the way we want to behave with our kids? Shouldn’t we share the most important aspects of ourselves with them? Shouldn’t we trust our children enough to reveal who we are at our cores? We need to share the things that are important to us, that we believe are true, that we base our lives upon. That’s part of being a connected parent.

Like all of us, our kids want to know who they are, what the purpose of their lives is, and how they fit into the world. They’re searching for answers. Will they find them within our families? Or will our kids turn to people who don’t love and care about them like we do? Plenty of people online, especially on social media, have no qualms about influencing our kids. If our children can’t find what they need from us, that’s where they might end up.

So, we decide it’s okay to share our beliefs and values with our kids. We live lives based on our beliefs. Our children live them with us. Then, one day, they reach an age where they might question our core values and the things we do. Is this okay? Should we allow our children to question, discuss and maybe disagree with us? Or should we compel them to think as we do?

It can feel risky to allow our kids to have their own opinions. But what’s the alternative? Kids will stop sharing their thoughts if we immediately squash them every time they express something we believe is wrong. They might end up hiding what they really think (and what they do). They could say they accept our beliefs to avoid conflict and make life easier for themselves. But they could be pretending. If that’s the case, trust between us will dissolve.

But if we accept that our kids can have different opinions from ours and give them space, one day, they might come to accept what we believe wholeheartedly.

Of course, even with time, they might not claim our beliefs as their own. What do we do then? Although difficult, what can we do but accept the situation? Our kids have the right to make their own choices in life.

Perhaps acceptance and unconditional love keep the lines of communication open. A change of heart  for both kids and parents is always possible.

As you might know, we are a Catholic family. Maybe you are, too. Or perhaps you’re not. I don’t think it matters if my beliefs are different to yours. Just like we accept and respect our kids, we accept and respect each other, don’t we? Differences are interesting, not a reason to reject and stop listening to one another.

But if you do have a faith similar to mine, like me, you believe God created our kids in His image. You’ll probably agree there are virtues we need to nurture and encourage in our children (and ourselves). We can’t step back and be silent. We must share the truth of who they are and why they’re here.

So, influencing our kids is okay. All we really have to question is how do we do that in a respectful, effective and loving way?

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