Perhaps you’ve been reading about unschooling and you like the idea, but there’s one thing that makes you feel uneasy: unlimited screen time. What if your child spends an excessive amount of time on their computers or phones? What if you feel they’re wasting their time? What if their screens seem to be causing them to behave in a way you don’t feel is healthy?
Will kids learn to self-regulate their screen usage?
There are lots of unschooling articles that will reassure you about screens. Their message: If we allow our kids to have as much screen access as they like, they will learn to self-regulate their usage. We just need to let go of control and trust our children. They’ll work it out for themselves. And I have found this to be true. My children have always had free access to screens. I have never made any rules. And they all use their screens in productive and balanced ways.
But are my children representative of all kids? Is it okay for me to say, “Look at my family? Follow our example. Your fears are groundless.” Or are you right to worry about the effect of such things as screens, the Internet, social media and computer games on your children?
Do adults have trouble self-regulating?
Even though my kids handle these things well, I don’t. I have got very entangled with the Internet and it’s affecting my life. Not so long ago, I faced up to the fact that I need to make some changes. I want to regain my peace and my concentration which affects my ability to do worthwhile work. I also want to strengthen my face-to-face relationships. These have been suffering because my attention has been online rather than offline. I spoke about this in episode 105 of my podcast: Social Media, Internet Addiction and Screen Time. I pondered the question: If adults have trouble handling the Internet, why do we think all kids will be able to deal with it?
Since making that podcast, I’ve been thinking further about this topic. Here are some of my thoughts:
Should we respect our kids’ choices?
Screen time. How do we feel about this word? Does it make a difference what type of screen our kids are using? And are we more comfortable letting them have access to a screen if we feel they are doing something worthwhile with it? For example, we might be happy for our children to do research using the Internet or complete an online course or belong to an online book study group. We might be willing for them to spend a lot of time on their computers if they are writing.
But what if our kids are on social media or playing computer games or watching Youtube videos? Perhaps we label these activities as time-wasters because we, personally, don’t see the value in them. However, we learn from everything in life and we all have different interests so maybe our kids should be allowed to spend time doing the things that are important to them, regardless of our feelings. If we accept this idea, we should let our kids have free access to screens. It’s the right and respectful thing to do.
But what if we let go of control and our kids go wild (in our opinion) and don’t want to do anything except sit in front of a screen? We might reassure ourselves that once they realise the screens aren’t going to be taken away, they’ll relax and slow down. It’s all a novelty at first but after a while, they’ll want to do other things as well. They’re not always going to want to spend every available hour on their computers or tablets or in front of the TV.
Why do we fear letting go of control?
However, despite what other people tell us, we might not really be convinced this will happen. Deep down, we don’t trust our kids will be able to self-regulate. Do children pick up on these feelings of doubt? When we say, “You can spend as much time on your computer as you want,” we could also pass on the message, “I’m not sure I’m happy about this situation.” Are we waiting for the first opportunity to grab back control? Kids know when we don’t feel comfortable. They don’t trust us just like we don’t trust them. So maybe if we aren’t 100% committed to an idea, it won’t work. We’ll end up changing our minds about unschooling.
Why do we fear letting go of control? Why do we feel very uncomfortable when we are asked to trust our kids? Do our own experiences affect how we feel? Are we untrustworthy? If we don’t trust ourselves to behave sensibly when we’re using our computers, how can we ever trust our kids?
What is sensible screen behaviour?
What is sensible screen behaviour? We might all have different ideas about this. Do we think it’s okay for everyone to live life with one eye always on a screen? Are we happy living in a society where most people communicate via their screens instead of having face-to-face relationships? Do screens and the Internet bring great value to our lives? They allow us to be constantly connected with information and each other regardless of where we are in the world. Is society evolving in a positive way because of technology?
Or do we yearn for more face-to-face conversations? Do we need to do things with our bodies? Do we need to connect physically with other people? Perhaps we feel technology such as the Internet is distracting us from living real life and doing deep work.
There is no doubt that technology has enhanced our lives in many ways. And we can’t go backwards. This is the world we live in, the world where our kids will one day get jobs. We can’t close our eyes to technology even if we, at times, don’t like it. But do we need to be careful when using it? Do we need to guide our kids when they want to use such things as the Internet?
I guess a lot depends on whether we think the Internet holds any dangers for our children. Are we happy letting them be exposed to it? Or do we worry they will become addicted to it and therefore become unhappy?
Is the Internet really addictive?
Is there really such a thing as Internet addiction? I don’t think it’s inevitable we or our kids will become addicted to the Internet (or even computer games). But maybe some of us will have more problems with it than others. Could the Internet fulfil certain needs within us? For example, maybe we overuse social media because we’re lonely. Perhaps it’s easier to browse the Internet and play games online instead of getting down to serious work. Is it worth pondering why we or our kids feel pulled towards the Internet when there isn’t a good reason to use it?
Recently, I made the decision to reduce my online time. I’ve deleted my Facebook account. I’m making an effort not to hop aimlessly around the Internet. I’ve deleted some phone apps. I’m no longer constantly checking my emails and other notifications. I want to regain control of my online life so that I have a better offline one.
My behaviour hasn’t always been dictated by the Internet. Not so long ago, I used to be like my children. I’d use the Internet in a purposeful manner. I had good concentration skills. I did valuable and deep work. I spent far more time offline than online. So what went wrong?
“Why can’t I handle the Internet and you can?” I ask my daughter Imogen.
“Your work is online, Mum. You’re expected to use the Internet. That’s where you meet people and do things. It’s easier for us because we don’t have to be online as much as you.”
Yes, once we get involved with the Internet, its hold of us can get tighter and tighter. There’s always one more email to answer, one more article to read, one more comment to write, one more photo to post, one more story to share, one more problem to ponder, one more person to help, one more… It’s never-ending. I justify the time I spend online: I’m doing worthwhile work. But sometimes we have to step back and reclaim our lives. We can’t do good work when we feel overwhelmed and unhappy.
Is making screen rules a responsible thing to do?
So if adults can have screen regulation problems, is it reasonable to think that some children might have them too? And if they do, how can we help them? Should we limit their screen time? Should we let them use their screens only for certain purposes? Perhaps we need to exert our parental control? This might be the responsible thing to do.
Or do rules about such things not work? Do they result in battles? Will kids look for ways to break the rules? Will they try to use screens without our knowledge?
I’d rather my kids were free to do things in front of me rather than in secret. I want us all to be honest with each other. So I don’t make any screen rules and limits. But if we don’t make rules, how do we ensure kids don’t get themselves into situations where they become unhappy because they are unable to deal with their screens? Maybe connection is the answer.
Do we have to do more than just step back and give our kids complete freedom to do what they want?
We can’t say to our kids, “Go and do what you like,” and then step back and let them get on with it. Unless, of course, we have strong connections with them. Maybe we need to build up the bonds between us so that our kids value our opinions and look to us for guidance. We can then talk about our own experiences, our struggles, the dangers that we face and how we’re dealing with them. Of course, we should also listen to our kids as they share their opinions, thoughts, ideas and what’s important to them. Parents also have to be good examples. We might have to make changes in our own behaviours if necessary. And maybe we have to help some of our kids determine what their needs are and how they might be fulfilled in ways other than by spending excessive time online.
Perhaps we have to guide and support our kids towards self-regulation in a respectful way.
So is it really okay to give unschooling kids unlimited access to screens and the Internet?
I say to Imogen, “Most unschoolers state that if we trust our kids and let them have free access to such things as the computer and the Internet, they will learn to self-regulate their usage. Do you agree?”
“Yes.”
“And if kids seem to be overdosing on their computers when the restrictions are lifted, this will pass once the novelty wears off.”
“Yes, that makes sense.”
I then say, “I’ve never made any screen rules and none of you has a problem. It’s all very simple, isn’t it? Or maybe it’s not. I’ve been thinking about how I have free access to the computer and I’m having trouble controlling my behaviour. I waste time online. I get distracted. I feel unhappy with how I keep checking my phone. So if adults like me can show addictive behaviour online perhaps kids can as well. Maybe it’s not enough to reassure other parents that if they let go of control, everything will be okay.”
After listening to me, Imogen has something of own to add: “If parents are worried that their kids are using their screens in a way detrimental to their health and happiness, they can’t just say, ‘Turn off the computer and go do something else.’ It’s not that easy. What will kids do? It’s important parents build up an offline life full of rich experiences that a child will want to be part of. A parent has to do something. They can’t just stand back and make rules.”
“Perhaps parents have to work on their connections so that their kids trust them and value their opinions. This will also ensure parents know their kids very well. If we all have strong bonds of connection, maybe we can allow our kids free access to their screens and there won’t be any problems…”
Our conversation continues. There’s a lot to say. This is a very involved topic.
I could keep writing. There are other points I might make. But maybe what I have already written is enough to begin a conversation, to get us all thinking. If you’d like to stop by and share your thoughts and experiences, please do!
I have realized that I am spending too much time on screens lately. I have had a lot of stress in the past couple of weeks and I think that has been proportional to spending too much time on the computer and less time engaging with my children. They have even been commenting on it, so I know its bad. I want to model being aware when I am not living according to my values and self-correct. I tend to becoming controlling with my kids when I feel out of control. You are right; it just causes them to push back and breaks connections. Thanks for posting this!
Mary,
“They have even been commenting on it, so I know it’s bad.” I’m always surprised by how much my kids pick up without me realising. They hear things I say and observe my behaviour and sometimes understand situations better than I do.
I’ve been thinking more about how important it is to stay connected with our kids. Maybe I’ll write a post about this. I’d love to hear your ideas if I do!
Thank you so much for reading and for stopping by to comment!
Thank you for this article, Sue. Does your article assume that it is appropriate for children of any age to have unlimited screen time? Can you direct me to any studies on the benefits of unlimited screen time? Thank you.
Jamie,
I’m sorry I’m slow to answer your comment.
Screen time is a complicated issue. In my experience, it’s okay for kids of any age to have unlimited screen time. We’ve never encountered any problems. Screens are tools that open up the possibilities! However, I don’t think parents should do anything they’re uncomfortable with. We have to work out what’s best for our own families, don’t we? Perhaps, as you said, reading screen time studies is helpful. We can also ponder the topic and share experiences with other parents, observe kids…
I haven’t got any links to studies about unlimited screen time, but you might find some on Peter Gray’s website. He’s written many articles about such things as computer games. Here’s one about the benefits of video games. Gray does talk about limits. It’s not a study, but it’s a very interesting article.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/freedom-learn/201201/the-many-benefits-kids-playing-video-games
Here’s another Peter Gray article:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/freedom-learn/201803/benefits-play-revealed-in-research-video-gaming
Not so long ago, we were discussing these articles in my unschooling community. Perhaps you’d like to join our group? Here’s the link in case you’re interested:
https://stories-of-an-unschooling-family.mn.co/
I’d love to see you inside our community!
Sue,
Thank you, so much, for your kind and thoughtful response.
You’re so right about this being a complicated topic.
I’m totally on board with the learning benefits of unlimited screen time. That makes a lot of sense to me. I just wish I could feel some certainty as to what is right for our family.
I think of my childhood and when screen time wasn’t a thing and their were no restrictions. Does our current plethora of entertainment options as opposed to the times when we had limited tv channels and no internet change how we decide what best for our children? I don’t know.
I appreciate your invitation to the unschooling group you mentioned. I will definitely check it out and the articles that you linked too.
Thank you!
I hope I’m not too late to the conversation to get a reply. I’m intrigued by unlimited screen time. I’ve battled with myself for the past two years (nomadic and homeschooling my four kids) about limits and restrictions. I wonder about your perspective on what limits you put on the devices. Do you provide your kids with hardware and streaming services and such? Everyone I know has an ipad for their toddler and phones and computers for their older kids. We aren’t on board for that and have only used laptops for educational purposes. What advice do you have for handling kids seeing things online that are truly meant only for adult eyes?
Casey,
It’s never too late to continue an unschooling conversation!
I think screen time is a complicated issue. I don’t think it’s enough to say, “Give kids unlimited access to screens and trust them. Everything will be okay.” My kids are grown up, but when they were younger, we never had any screen rules and limits and my kids were indeed okay. They learnt to regulate their screen usage and weren’t in front of a screen all the time. They have a wide range of interests and wanted to spend time doing such things as running and playing music as well as watching videos and playing games on their devices. They also wanted to spend time with other people chatting and doing things together and going on outings. Relationships are important to all of us.
Maybe that’s the key. Parents need to be more important to their kids than anything that can be accessed online. We need to build up our connections with our children. Spend time with them. Listen to them. Play with them. Create an offline family life that our kids want to be part of. Then when we are closely bonded, and our kids are filled up with love and all the good things we can give them in the physical world, they’ll want to use screens but won’t be dependant on them to fulfil their emotional, entertainment, and other needs.
I have no experience with babies and toddlers and screens because I parented most of my kids at a time when computers weren’t so widespread. We didn’t get a computer until my first child was 12. A few years later, we got access to the Internet, but our connection was slow because it was dial-up, and the Internet shared the line with our phone. Also, we all had to share one computer which was too heavy to move from the desk in our study! So I wasn’t in a position to offer a young child a phone or iPad. I do, however, have some thoughts about young kids and screens, but they aren’t backed up by experience! I wonder if it would be better to delay introducing screens to little children. They don’t actually need access to the Internet and electronic devices because there are so many other things in the real world that they can get involved with and learn from. What kids need more than anything is our attention and love.
Of course, keeping young kids away from screens might be tricky. Other families have them. And they are good babysitters! And kids watch us closely. Why shouldn’t they have an iPad when they see us using our screens all the time? Perhaps we need to think about our usage of devices too.
Safety… If we have close connections, we can talk to our kids and guide them and also pass on our values so they learn right from wrong. My kids always knew there were dangers online, but they were never tempted to seek them out. If they clicked onto something bad by mistake, I trusted them to click away immediately just like I do. We could install protective software on our devices to protect kids and that could be good, but I think we also need to build up trust in our kids, be confident that they know what’s right, otherwise we’ll never be able to let them leave our sides. Older kids can access computers in places other than our homes.
Devices and the Internet can be a good part of our lives, can’t they? They allow us to do amazing things. They’re wonderful tools. And they can be fun! Kids can learn to use them in a way that benefits them without negatively affecting their health and happiness. But maybe there’s more to screens than simply buying them and granting unlimited access to them. Saying that, I don’t think rules and limits which could cause frustration and promote sneaky behaviour are the answer. Could strong connections and a rich offline family life be the key? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
It’s been good to chat with you. Thank you for stopping by!
Hi Sue,
Thanks again for a wonderful and insightful blog post. You are my go to whenever I am pondering parenting questions. I have 6 children and we’re an unschooling Catholic family. In the last 5 or more years we’ve restricted screens more and more. We started out with our older 2 getting their first iPads at 4 and 5 years old as a way to keep them entertained whilst we drove around Australia. They continued to use these iPads up until they were 8 and 9. We then decided to take these away. They were annoyed at first but 6 months later my son thanked me for doing it. They are now 13 and 15 and they have their own personal computers and no mobiles. We have a home phone instead. We limit their use of the computers to the hours of 12pm to 4pm. Lately I’ve been wondering if we’re doing the right thing. Should they have unlimited access and they learn to self-regulate? I’m also considering my younger children who are 18mths, 2, and twin 4 years old’s. They also had a movie time between the hours of 12pm-4pm, which included putting a DVD on for them. But 2 weeks ago our TV broke and we haven’t replaced it. So the little ones are now completely screen free. We’ve been doing much more together like reading, playing games, colouring-in and going out places. I feel more connected to them and they are calmer and getting along better. I’m wondering if we continue this way or am I being too controlling? If we continue being screen free for the little ones at what age should we allow screens? I would love your thoughts on this. I’m also planning a family meeting on all these topics so my teenagers and husband and I can all discuss our thoughts and come to some decisions.
Roslyn
Roslyn,
Thank you for sharing some of your family’s story. It’s lovely to meet you!
Screen time is such a tricky issue, isn’t it? Devices and the Internet offer so many wonderful learning experiences. Should we let our young kids take advantage of them? Or are other things more important at their age? I’ve pondered these questions a lot but don’t think I’ve reached any definite conclusions.
I never had to make a decision about screens for my kids when they were small. Life was different years ago, because we didn’t have the same technology choices as today. So I can’t share personal experiences. But looking back, I can see that kids who don’t have devices at a young age aren’t disadvantaged. They quickly catch up when they have access to them at a later time. Also, devices aren’t necessary to keep little kids entertained. Phones and iPads are convenient babysitters when parents need breaks, but we managed without them.
It sounds like you’re interacting a lot as a family and enjoying time together doing physical things in the real world. I wonder: is it important kids connect closely with their parents, siblings and the real world in their first years? Do strong connections form a solid foundation for later unlimited screen time?
I don’t know personally whether little kids have trouble regulating their screen time, but it sounds reasonable to assume they do, because there are lots of other things young children haven’t got the developmental skills to manage by themselves. Perhaps there’s a case for delaying screens until they’re a bit older. Or could families use devices together? Connections can be built while interacting together.
Did you see my other posts about young kids and screens?
https://www.storiesofanunschoolingfamily.com/younger-unschoolers-what-about-technology-and-screen-time/
https://www.storiesofanunschoolingfamily.com/have-i-changed-my-unschooling-mind-about-screens/
Roslyn, it sounds like you are happy with how things are with your family. Are your older kids happy too? Were they involved in the decision to limit screen time to certain hours of the day? Would they welcome more freedom? Would they like you to trust them to regulate their own screen usage? Maybe you talked about this in your family meeting. It’s good to listen to our kids’ thoughts and opinions, isn’t it, and work things out together, responding to their needs?
I’ve enjoyed chatting with you!