Not so long ago, I read a story about a family of children who not only fill up on junk food and don’t look after their teeth but also don’t wash. Unless they want to, of course, though I don’t think they do because their hair has turned into dirty matted dreadlocks.
“Our kids can make their own choices,” said the parents who are proudly living an alternate lifestyle. They’re not imposing their beliefs or values on their kids but allowing them to be free. Their children can decide for themselves what is important. They are free to ignore the basics of hygiene. They are free to eat junk food. They are free to do whatever they want.
Stories like this one horrify some potential unschoolers. Sometimes these parents decide not to become unschoolers after all. And this is very sad because I don’t think these stories are about unschooling children at all. To me, they sound more like unparenting ones.
So what’s the difference between unparenting and unschooling? Perhaps unparenting parents step back and let their kids do whatever they like regardless of whether it’s good for them or not. Unschooling parents know that kids have to be free to make their own choices, but that’s not enough. They want their kids to use their freedom to make the right choices. Choices that work to the benefit of their children.
Good nutrition and hygiene are essential for the good health of our children. Good hygiene is also necessary if we want our kids to fit into the world so that they can live and work with others. Unschoolers are different. Maybe they stick out. But we’re not doing our kids any favours if we encourage them to stick out in a very negative way. And then there’s the matter of being considerate. Surely we shouldn’t impose our poor hygiene on anyone else?
So do we insist our kids wash their hair and brush their teeth? Do we force them to eat healthy food? No, we can’t do that. But we can become so connected to our kids that they will trust us and value our opinions and want to follow our example.
But isn’t working on our connections so that we get the desired outcome wrong? Is it really okay to influence our children’s choices by guiding them along the pathway we value? Perhaps it’s better to step back and not force our opinions on them. Let children make up their own minds without any influence from us about how they use their bodies and what they put into them. Just like the family in the story.
All this sounds okay until we realise that those parents are influencing their kids. They are passing on their values. The message they’re giving them is that good hygiene doesn’t matter. Other people don’t matter. We don’t need to be considerate. Other people can adapt themselves to us, but we don’t have to adjust our behaviour to get along with them. All that matters is us. We can do whatever we like whether it is good for us or not.
And that’s not the way to live. It’s not what unschooling is all about.
If you’ve heard some frightening stories, don’t be put off because you can’t accept that it’s wrong to influence a child. Every parent influences her child in some way. It really is impossible not to. What’s important is how we do it and why we want to.
So forget those stories about bad teeth and dirty hair.
Guide your child with unconditional love, respect and trust along the pathway that’s right for her.
In other words, radically unschool.
Photos: Of course, I’m not inferring that my daughter Gemma-Rose eats junk food and has poor hygiene. I used her photo because I like the expression on her face!
The photos are awesome! Thanks for pointing out the fine distinctions between the generalities of unschooling, and what and how things actually happen. I know when I started reading about respectful parenting some authors, (not you actually), sounded like they let their kids do whatever they wanted, and hoped for the best. Then, about ten posts in, I’d find something like, “When my loved one tries to hit another kid, I say ‘I can’t let you do that.'” Which implies they don’t in fact let everything slide.
Not finding that information would have left me with the impression that it was an untenable system. Unfortunately I’ve found parents who never found that information, and still thought it was a tenable system. Their kids are kinda hard to be around 🙂
Thanks again for all the wonderful posts!
Hamilton,
I’m glad you like the photos. Gemma-Rose has a rubber face. She always has a lot of fun in front of the camera!
I’ve chatted with quite a few parents who’ve been put off unschooling because of frightening junk food and similar stories. I’ve tried to explain that it’s not inevitable that radically unschooled kids are going to make poor choices. As you said parents are involved with their children. They don’t just stand back and hope for the best. But some people haven’t been convinced. And I find that very sad.
When I read the article I talked about in this post, I thought, “If that’s unschooling, then I don’t want to unschool!” I imagine a lot of people thought the same thing.
I hope all is well with you and your family. It’s good to chat with you!
I’m confused about your statement of not making your kids brush their teeth. Maybe I’m confusing you with someone else, but I thought you wrote that your children have really great teeth because you brushed their teeth for them until they were quite old. (I might be mixing you up with someone else.)
Sallie,
My kids have great teeth because most of them had a lot of orthodontic work! Yes, they don’t have any cavities but not because I brushed their teeth for them. Instead, they never refused to brush their own teeth. We never had a problem with teeth or junk food or hair washing. My kids just did what my husband and I did. No drama.
Maybe you did mix me up with someone else, but that’s okay. I got an opportunity to chat with you and that’s always good!
Sallie,
I was thinking about your comment (in the middle of the night!) and remembered that when my kids were very young – babies and toddlers – I did help them brush their teeth. We did this together without me forcing myself upon them. It wasn’t a big deal. I don’t remember ever writing about teeth cleaning so maybe I’m not the person you were thinking of, especially as I gave up offering my help very early. I didn’t clean their teeth until they were ‘quite old’.
Funny how we forget things. Maybe I’m getting old and my memory is failing!
This is such an encouraging post. Teeth and hair was just a natural part of our home. Ok, bedtime, lets go brush our teeth- and all 6 of us crowd into our master bathroom and brush teeth. My 13 year old son still skips this because he just does, but he is into his hair now and is working out his own hygiene.
That was not the biggie that gave me pause though, it was stumbling on a forum discussion asking for alternatives to the inappropriate videos that are X rated and 18+ that boys find on the internet. The radical unschool moms were encouraging magazines and racy books to “satisfy that need” and not discourage what they called healthy sexuality.
I was so saddened by the idea that it made me wonder as a Christian how unschooling can work with values that I absolutely hold to. Yes, I am ok saying. “not in my house” and I wondered if those same moms were ok with their kids experimenting with illicit drugs because of their radical “whatever you want to do” lifestyle
That is why I keep coming back to you Sue, you are such breath of fresh air and encouragement because unschooling feels so natural and right to us after 13 years of homeschooling and 10 more to go. You help me be centered with love and logic.
Michelle,
I agree with you: it’s not okay for kids to do such things as experiment with illicit drugs. We have to keep our kids safe and in good health, don’t we? I don’t think that allowing our kids to do whatever they like is what radical unschooling is all about. We need to encourage them by our example and guidance to do what is right.
I’ve been thinking a lot about social norms recently:
‘…the unwritten rules of conduct that are generally accepted as appropriate within a particular social group or culture. They provide a framework for how individuals are expected to behave in different situations and guide our understanding of what is acceptable behavior.’
We naturally provide a framework of behaviour within our families so things like brushing teeth or saying prayers are just part of life. They are what we all do. We don’t need to make a big thing out of them. It sounds like this is what happens in your family.
From what I remember, teenage boys aren’t very interested in hygiene. Maybe there are different things claiming their attention at that age. But they get there in the end, realising it’s good to smell good!
Lovely to chat! 😊🩷