Knowing Ourselves: Do We Need to Change?

I watch Sophie while she’s working. My daughter chats to a customer while operating the coffee machine. Then she smiles as she hands over a latte, saying, “Have a great day!” All day long, Sophie chats and smiles. And I wonder.

The next time Sophie and I have a chance to talk together, I ask, “Do you think you’re an introvert or an extrovert?”

Sophie doesn’t hesitate: “I’m definitely an introvert!”

“So even though you seem very outgoing while you’re at work, you don’t consider yourself an extrovert?”

“Oh no!” Sophie grins. “I’m just good at faking it!”

I’m the same. I once said something about being an introvert to a friend, and she said, “I didn’t know you were an introvert.” Yes, I can put on a good act. It’s easier if I’m with close friends. Even easier if we’re talking about something I’m passionate about such as unschooling! I don’t do so well at parties. I usually start out okay, but as time passes, I begin to wilt. “Are you ready to go home?” I might say to my family even though the party is far from finished. Or my husband or one of my kids might already have said those words, and I could be replying, “Oh yes, I’ve had enough too!” We’re all introverts, every one of us.

A few years ago, someone said to me, “Are you an INFJ?”

I had no idea. I’d never come across that acronym before. So I did a bit of research and discovered that I do indeed have much in common with this personality type.

The other day, I was browsing the Internet, following random links and ended up reading an article called 21 Signs That You’re An INFJ, The Rarest Personality Type on the Introvert, Dear website.

The fifth sign, How You Handle Problems, caught my attention:

When someone comes to you with a problem, you usually don’t give them advice or your opinion unless they ask. Instead, you ask them questions to help them better understand the situation and their own feelings about it. Sometimes you tell a story of a time when something similar happened to you, in the hope that they’ll draw their own lesson. You feel like you can usually see the path they should take, but you don’t want them to do it just because you told them to — you want it to be their decision. (This is why INFJs are often considered natural advice-givers and counsellors.)

Yes, this is what I try to do whenever anyone wants to talk about a problem. But I’m not sure I handle things in this way because I’m an INFJ because I haven’t always been this way. No, years ago, whenever anyone around me had a problem, I’d step right in and turn on the advice. I knew exactly what that person needed and I didn’t hesitate to tell them. Of course, I wasn’t trying to be pushy. It didn’t even occur to me that I was taking over. I was just trying to help.

When my second child was a baby, I trained as a breastfeeding counsellor. I soon learnt that counselling isn’t about solving someone else’s problem. It’s about helping people solve problems for themselves. As a counsellor, I wasn’t in charge. My role was to be a friend, to connect and to listen. I only offered suggestions (and not advice) if I was invited in.

It didn’t take me very long to realise that the skills I was learning during the counselling course could be used to improve my relationships with my family and friends and anyone else I came into contact with. I began listening to my husband when he wanted to tell me about his day instead of letting my eyes glaze over while I waited for my turn to speak. I began to wonder how other people were feeling instead of assuming they felt just like me. I must admit, despite my new knowledge, I still found it hard to let go of control. My way was usually the best. At least in my opinion.

Often, we take control when our kids have problems. Before we’ve even given our child a chance to explain what’s wrong, we’re talking. We’ve been there, experienced that. We’re full of advice and we don’t hesitate to share it. I guess we’re well-meaning. We can’t bear to see our kids struggling. We just want to make things better for them as quickly as possible.

Just recently, I’ve been tempted to flood my kids with advice. Moving into the adult world of work has put them into various situations that aren’t always easy to handle.

As we’re driving to town, Sophie sighs as she mentions a problem at work. Without hesitating, I tell her what I think. I tell her what she should do. And then I stop. The word ’empathy’ flashes inside my head. I didn’t use any. I didn’t show my daughter that I want to understand how she’s feeling. And I forgot to listen. Do I understand the problem properly? Does Sophie? Perhaps I should have asked a few questions instead of offering some advice. I could have helped Sophie explore the problem herself instead of jumping in and taking over.

Connecting with our kids. Listening to them. Allowing them to be in control. Trusting they can work things out for themselves. That sounds like unschooling, doesn’t it?

And we can all unschool. It’s not something only INFJ people can do.

This leads me to a final thought: knowing ourselves well is important. For example, it’s silly putting ourselves into situations we can’t cope with if we can avoid it. We need to know how we work best. What we’re suited to. What makes us happy. However, I’m wondering if, regardless of personality type, there are certain traits we should all endeavour to acquire.

We can’t just say, “But that’s the way I am!” Because sometimes the way we are affects other people. It can influence our relationships. Maybe it intrudes on the freedom of others. Sometimes we do need to change.

Perhaps if we do change our way of communicating, our kids won’t have to learn these skills. All we have to do is show empathy, listen carefully, guide rather than control and remember to trust. Our example is the best way to pass on what we feel is important, isn’t it? We can’t expect our kids to do anything we’re not prepared to do ourselves.

Telling a few stories helps too. I’ve often told the story of that terrible moment when I realised that I never listened. (I’ve just told it again!)

Some Extra Things

I found this introvert story in my draft file. This seems like a good time to publish it!

The Introvert Escape Plan

We’re invited to a party. So are lots of other people. It’s going to be a big affair.

“Do we want to go?” I ask my family.

“Do you think we should?”

“It would be a friendly thing to do.”

“We can’t stay home all the time.”

“It would be a good opportunity to catch up with a few people.”

“We might have fun.”

So I accept the invitation and then we forget all about it. The party is weeks away. But one day, it isn’t. A sense of dread overcomes us. Do we really have to go?

“We accepted the invitation so we should make an effort.”

“It would look like we don’t care about our friends if we don’t go.”

“What if all the guests decided not to go at the last minute? There’d be no party.”

“That wouldn’t be polite.”

“What if we came down with a cold or some other dreaded illness? If that happened, we wouldn’t be able to go.”

“I think my throat feels a bit sore.”

Is it possible? Are we ill?

“We could send last-minute regrets: I’m sorry we all have the flu. We can’t come. It wouldn’t be right to pass on the germs.”

“We were looking forward to the party. We’re very upset.”

“Very upset? I think we have to tell the truth.”

“We accepted the invitation so we can’t make excuses. We have to go.”

“And you never know, we might enjoy ourselves once we get there.”

So on the day of the party, we ignore all those butterflies in the pit of our stomachs. We try not to get irritable with each other as we dress up for a gathering we don’t really want to go to.

“Other people are making an effort so we should as well.”

“But they enjoy parties. They’re not introverts like us.”

“Perhaps being introverted isn’t a good excuse. Shouldn’t we push ourselves to do what we don’t really feel like doing?”

“Or should we face the fact this is just the way we are and not get ourselves into these awkward situations?”

“We can’t help being who we are. We don’t have to be the same as other people.”

“I bet there are things we do that extroverts don’t do.”

There’s no time to debate the issue further. We get into the car, take one last longing look at our house, and head to the party.

When we arrive at our destination, an old friend rushes up to us and cries, “It’s good to see you! I’m so glad you came.” We are engulfed in warm loving hugs. We smile. How could we have considered not coming? We’re glad we made an effort. It was worth it.

But a couple of hours later, we find ourselves huddled together in a corner of the very crowded room.

“My head hurts.”

“It’s noisy.”

“There are too many people.”

“I want to go home.”

“So do I. Perhaps we should leave.”

“We could say our goodbyes and head for home.”

“But will people ask us why we’re leaving early?”

“They might encourage us to stay.”

“Goodbyes can take a long time. It might take hours to say goodbye to everyone here.”

“But if we don’t say goodbye people will think we’re rude.”

“Maybe we could slip away when no one is looking.”

“If we all walk out the door together, we’ll be noticed.”

“I have a plan. Let’s all drift outside, one by one. We’ll meet up at the car.”

So we separate. We mingle with the crowd. We smile and nod. We twiddle with wine glasses. We nibble on cake. We watch the door out of the corner of our eyes.

And then one by one, we slip outside.

Minutes later, we’re at the car.

“We escaped!”

“Home!”

We feel a great sense of relief. And guilt. What would people think if they could hear us? Would they understand? Or would they feel hurt?

What do you think?

Another Discovery

The other day, my husband Andy and I went out for lunch together. While we were waiting for our food to arrive, we chatted and the topic of personality types came up. I said, “Why don’t you do a Meyers-Briggs test and find out what kind of person you are?” Using Andy’s phone, we found a test online and Andy read out the questions one by one. It was very interesting. For some questions, we agreed on the most appropriate answer. But sometimes we disagreed. And this made me wonder: do we know ourselves better than anyone else or do we not see things about ourselves that are obvious to other people? We discovered that Andy fits into the ISFJ group.

We discovered something else too: it’s fun to explore a topic while we’re enjoying lunch. Phones don’t always get in the way of communication. Sometimes they can help us have interesting conversations!

Photos

Our dog, Quinn, is also an introvert. She loves her immediate family, but she’s very wary of everyone else. That’s probably because she’s half Shar-Pei. Does Quinn need to change? Should we take her to a dog park so she can get used to other dogs and people? Or should we just let her be who she is?

So have you ever taken a personality test? Do you think the Meyers-Briggs test is accurate? And do you think that knowing ourselves is important? Perhaps if we are aware of who we are, we know not only what to value about ourselves but also, how we need to change.