We don’t make rules in our family, so how do my children know what is right and what is wrong, if they aren’t guided by clearly stated limits? Do I believe my own quiet example of appropriate behaviour is all that is needed in order to influence my children? Perhaps I stand back, hands-off, and let my children behave as they choose?
I decide to ponder a few ideas with my children, in an attempt to find the answers to these questions.
“Should I correct you if I feel your behaviour is wrong?” I ask.
“Oh yes,” replies my second daughter, Imogen. “Children need guidance from their parents. You can’t just let us do whatever we want. We’d grow up to be very self-centred. And we wouldn’t know what constitutes appropriate behaviour when it comes to relating to people.”
“Should we have rules so you all know what is acceptable and what is not, or is there another way?”
“Rules aren’t the answer. They can be broken, and parents and children end up fighting over them in a power struggle. I like how you do things better.”
These are the opening paragraphs of a post called Guiding My Children Responsibly Without Imposing Rules.
Towards the end of the post, I wrote:
On Sandra Dodd‘s website, I found a list of things to do if you want to ‘screw up unschooling’. Here are a few points:
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- Don’t collaborate.
- “Unparent”—give kids “free reign” without talking to them re: appropriateness of their actions (affecting others and others’ property).
- Don’t help your kid understand the ways of the world and boundaries and what’s right and what’s wrong.
- When they have a disagreement, let them work things out themselves with no input from you.
- Do not prepare them ahead of time for anything new they may encounter. Let them deal with it on their own.
- Have the idea that unschooling is just allowing your kids to walk all over others because they feel like it and well you don’t want to run their lives!
- Set lots of rules, boundaries, and limitations.
I mentioned Sandra’s list in S2E11 of The Ladies Fixing the World podcast. In this episode, Sandra, Cecilie and I discussed guiding our children by building trust via strong connections instead of imposing rules.
As usual, you can watch or listen to this episode!
The Video Version
The Audio Version
Also available on all other podcast platforms – find the links here.
Shownotes
What happens when unschooling parents trade control for genuine connection? In this deep and honest conversation, Cecilie Conrad (Denmark), Sandra Dodd (USA), and Sue Elvis (Australia) tackle the big questions of attachment, freedom, and how trust transforms the parent-child relationship.
Many parents fear that giving their children more freedom will mean losing influence over values and choices—or that it will lead to chaos. But as these three unschooling pioneers explore, true freedom isn’t something we “give” our kids—it’s something they already have. The real question: How do we nurture healthy attachment and remain an anchor, even as our children make their own decisions?
The episode weaves together practical wisdom and lived experience:
- Why attachment and trust—not rules—build resilient, independent humans
- Navigating teen risk-taking, boundaries, and “mistakes”
- How to be your child’s partner, not their adversary
- Dealing with fears about religion, lifestyle choices, and social influence
- Why trying to control values and behaviors can backfire
- The difference between “not influencing” and being a true guide
- How parent-child partnership grows empathy, patience, and wisdom for both generations
Cecilie, Sandra, and Sue also reflect on how unschooling changes the whole family, and why letting go of control doesn’t mean stepping back from guidance or care. They share stories about “swallowing camels,” cultural idioms, social skills, and the humbling lessons learned from listening to (and learning with) their own kids.
🔗 Sandra, Sue and Cecilie’s websites
🗓️ Recorded April 29, 2025. 📍 Budapest, Hungary
Is It Okay if Parents Want to Influence Their Unschooling Kids?
Here’s a related blog post. I wrote it in May 2025 just after recording S2E11 of The Ladies podcast with Cecilie and Sandra, while our discussion was fresh in my mind.
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