Erin wrote:
What does the idea of homemaking mean to you? Is it a certain skill set or talent? Does it need to look or happen a certain way, or is it a flexible term?
What role does homemaking play for you in home ed life? Do the two need to go together? Are there aspects of homemaking that you like and others that you don’t? Where do gender roles come into play? What, if any, role do children play in homemaking? How might this tie into our thoughts about chores?
I was inspired to look into this topic after a comment Sue Elvis made in the latest recording of The Ladies Fixing the World podcast about often not being the one in the house doing the cooking…
Erin posted the above words in the Virtual Kitchen Table community, beginning an interesting conversation.
Here’s a comment I added:
I think we talked about this topic in one of your VKT (Virtual Kitchen Table) podcast episodes. I remember telling the story of how I admitted to a group of friends that I don’t enjoy cooking and avoid doing it when I can. I felt a bit bad – just for a moment – when someone suggested that I should enjoy cooking for my loved ones. Cooking is my responsibility. It’s something women do. It’s all part of serving our families. I could see my friend’s point, but why cook if someone else in the family likes to cook more than me?
For many years, I didn’t cook because my children and Andy did it. They enjoy cooking. I preferred to wash the dishes once we’d had dinner. I didn’t even mind cleaning the kitchen after someone had prepared the meal.
In the VKT episode, we talked about how we can often work as a team, contributing in the way that suits us best. We don’t have to make kids have a turn at every job, preparing them for the future when they might have to do everything themselves. There’s nothing wrong with playing to our strengths and preferences.
These days, I do most of the cooking because there’s no one else to do it. It’s necessary. I do it out of love for my family. I think, for me, it’s like chores: I love helping the people I love. I still don’t love cooking! I get a break on weekends and holidays when Andy is happy to cook.
Yesterday, I was thinking about chores after discovering thick dust on the piano and window sills in our family room. There are days when I don’t go into that room, so I don’t notice the housework that needs doing. But even if I was aware of all the dust, would I regularly spend time removing it? Should I have a spotless home? Am I a poor housekeeper? Perhaps I should keep on top of all the chores and take pride in my home and my ability to keep it clean.
After some pondering, I realised that I could spend all day every day cleaning and tidying the house. There’s an endless list of things to do. Some things never leave the list because they need to be done daily. Some tasks return to the list after only a few minutes. (Keeping floors clean when dogs go in and out of a house during wet weather is impossible!) I decided that I could have a full-time job as a housekeeper, or I could do the essential things, ignore the other tasks, and still have time left over for my work like writing, blogging and podcasting.
Whenever I deep clean our home, I say to Andy, “Can you see anything different?” After asking me if I’ve had my hair cut or eyebrows tinted, he gives up. He never notices if our house is spotless or not. As long as it’s reasonably clean and tidy, we can find things, and there’s something for dinner, we’re both happy.
Of course, if we have visitors, I suddenly panic. I need to get the house into order because I don’t want anyone to think I’m lazy. But what if I left the dust where it is? I’ve never forgotten visiting a friend who had a dusty house. She unapologetically mentioned it, saying she had better things to do with her life than remove dust. One of those things was welcoming me into her home, treating me as part of the family, assuming I’d come to see her and not to inspect her house.
After reading everyone else’s comments and pondering for a while, I added a second comment to the thread:
The distinction between housekeeping and homemaking? Perhaps part of homemaking is allowing everyone to relax and make a bit of a mess without worrying about it. A pristine home is a very uncomfortable place to live. Years ago, I ran behind my kids, picking up their toys as they dropped them, trying to keep everything tidy. It was exhausting. But when a friend unexpectedly knocked on the door, I was ready to welcome her in! I even had something delicious, freshly baked, to offer her. I got a reputation for being fabulously organised and capable: “How does Sue do it?” I used to think that was good until I realised I’d raised the standard so high that I made my friends feel like they were failing. (It was actually me who was failing. My friends had their priorities in the correct order, but I didn’t.)
These days, I try to make my family feel like our home belongs to us and not any visitors that might (or might not) drop by. It’s a place of belonging. I like seeing towering piles of books, half-finished projects, stacks of lap blankets on shabby sofas for cosy evenings, rosary beads and other evidence of our faith, half-burnt scented candles, family photos in odd frames, Madonna pictures, pottery vases, angel ornaments, chewed dog toys, hardy pot plants, and flowers past their best. Our home resembles a secondhand shop more than a show home, but it’s comfortable (and a bit dusty!)
Maybe homemaking is like everything else. Some people have a passion for it. They love to organise belongings, whip up delicious meals, bake fresh bread, arrange plump cushions on soft sofas, hang perfect paintings on pristine walls, tend pot plants, and display collections of delicate ornaments on dustless shelves and shiny pianos. They create havens for people who don’t have the talents or the interest to do this themselves. Some of these people take their homemaking to a high level, becoming chefs, gardeners, art curators, interior designers, and decorating and organising experts.
Other people are like me. They prefer to do something other than cooking, gardening and cleaning, so they only tackle these tasks when necessary.
We do things out of love for the activity. Or we do them out of necessity. And sometimes, we do tasks not because we love them but because we love the people we’re doing them for.
When Mothering Is Not Enough
My story When Mothering Is Not Enough might be a good related post.
Zoom Discussion
On Wednesday, June 4th, or Thursday, June 5th (depending on your location in the world), Erin is hosting a Zoom Christian unschooling discussion on the topic Is Mothering Enough? If you’d like to participate, please contact Erin on her website or on Instagram. You are very welcome to join in with what should be a very interesting conversation!
Unschooling: Impressing Other People
Here’s a post for my fabulous Buy Me a Coffee blog supporters!
So, do you get out the teapot and cups when a visitor drops by, eager to entertain in style? Or do you dangle teabags in mugs and hope no one notices the mess?
