Praise is a tricky topic, isn’t it? Do we praise our kids or not? Many unschoolers and parenting experts warn us to stay well away from praise. We shouldn’t manipulate our kids with our words, should we? And will our kids think they’re better than everyone else if we heap lavish praise upon them?
Years ago, I read all the expert opinions, but they didn’t match up to my experiences with my children. I wondered what I should do. What if the experts are right? Perhaps I should stop praising and become a ‘proper’ unschooler and responsible mother. Or maybe I could continue praising my kids but not tell anyone so no one would think I was a bad parent. I decided to do something completely different: I started talking about my reasons for praising and now encourage others to do something that brings a lot of joy to both child and parent.
Is praise manipulative? Are the experts right?
There is no doubt that praise does encourage us to do particular things, but what if instead of it pushing us to become the people others think we should be, it reassures us that we’re okay as we are? What if it tells us that what we want to do is important and that we should continue doing the things that matter to us? There’s no need to change to please anyone. People believe in us, accept us, and trust us. They love us unconditionally.
To praise sincerely, we have to know our kids well. Pay attention. Look at them carefully. Listen. Accept them. I’ve discovered that when someone does that for me, I feel so very loved. I also feel I can do anything. Praise gives my dreams wings.
What if praise tells us our parents feel joy because we’re part of their lives?
There are times when joy washes over us unexpectedly. We look at our children with full hearts. Are we really the parents of these beautiful people? It would be hard not to let that joy spill over and become “I’m so proud of you!”
Why hold those words back? We have to say them because our children need to hear them.
Why not praise and bring so much joy to our kids and ourselves?
Not long ago, I talked about praise with Erin, Ashley and Hayley from the Virtual Kitchen Table podcast. You may have already listened to Part 2 of Ep 5, Kindness and Unconditional Love – What Do They Have to Do with Unschooling? If not, why not check it out?
More Stories about Praise and Joy
There are some more stories about praise and joy in my unschooling book Radical Unschool Love:
The Beginning and End of Praise
Sometimes We Don’t Need a Good Reason
Trying to Be a Fun Mum
A Thrilling Experience
Hold on Tight
Doing What Kids Ought to Do
Speed Angel Joy
Have you read the second edition of my second unschooling book?
Photos
Gemma-Rose is wrapping fairy lights around a wreath. Christmas is the season for praise and joy, isn’t it?
A Deep Dive Discussion
Two pretend podcast hosts dive deeply into this story, Why We Should Praise Our Kids, unpacking all the ideas contained within it. You might enjoy their conversation!
Podcast Notes
Introduction & Central Question
“Our mission in this deep dive is to unpack her reasoning, understand why she believes praise is not just beneficial, but essential, and explore the nuance behind this often debated topic.”
The Prevailing View on Praise
“Many unschoolers, many experts, they caution against praise… the big worry that praise might be manipulative, a tool to control a child’s behavior.”
Sue Elvis’s Counterpoint
“She was genuinely trying to align with what she thought was the right way, but her experiences with her own children just didn’t line up with those expert opinions.”
Reframing Praise: Being vs. Doing
“It’s about affirming their being, not just their doing. It says you are seen. You are valued just as you are.”
Authenticity and Depth in Praise
“It’s not about the quantity of praise, but its quality and authenticity. It stems from deep observation, not just a surface-level acknowledgement.”
The Role of Joy and Spontaneity
“It’s hard, she says, not to let that joy spill over and become, ‘I’m so proud of you.’”
Broader Implications
“Why hold those words back? We have to say them because our children need to hear them.”
Conclusion & Reflection for Listeners
“It’s about seeing our children for who they are, understanding their unique efforts and their being, and celebrating the profound joy they bring into our lives.”
Audio Transcript
Beyond Good Job: Unschooling Wisdom on Praise, Joy, and Unconditional Love
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