Christian Unschooling: Disciplining With Unconditional Love
If our children misbehave, what do we do? Make them sit on the time-out chair? Punish them? Perhaps we should withdraw our love. Be cold and distant. Make things unpleasant for our kids because they need to know how upset we are, don’t they? We want them to feel bad because then, maybe, they’ll remember to act in the right way next time they’re tempted to misbehave.
Or could all that be wrong?
What if we were to forgive our children instantly? We could continue to love them unconditionally. We might even show them some empathy. Life is difficult. There are times when we fail to behave as we should, parents as well as children.
Of course, as well as our love and forgiveness, our kids might need our guidance when learning right from wrong. (If we’re closely connected, we can offer our help and our kids will usually listen.) And they also need our example. Even when we fail, we provide a good example. As long as we’re willing to get back on our feet and try again.
Sometimes when I share this unconditional love approach to discipline with other parents, I can see that they don’t believe it will work. They say, “If we forgive our kids instantly, what kind of lesson are we teaching them?” They assume that their children will think, “I got away with that! I will misbehave again because I know I’ll be forgiven.” Even though this sounds reasonable, it’s not what happens. How do I know? Well, I’ve observed my kids when I’ve shown them love regardless of their behaviour. More importantly, I’ve experienced forgiveness and unconditional love myself.
As I said in my book Radical Unschool Love:
… When we fail and are forgiven, we want to become better people. I know this from experience. When I fail, and my kids wrap their arms around me and say, “Mum, it doesn’t matter. We love you!” I want to be the best mother in the world. I also want to make up for my mistake and put things right. Why should it be any different for kids? Some people say we shouldn’t reward bad behaviour with love. But love is necessary. It’s what gets our kids (and us) back on track again. Love is powerful. It can transform people.
And perhaps bad behaviour is a sign that our child has a need that isn’t being fulfilled. Our child doesn’t need punishment. She needs our empathy and love…
A lot of Christians use quotes from the Bible to justify a strict method of discipline that includes punishments such as smacking. Here’s one:
Spare the rod and spoil the child.
So Christian unschooling parents might be criticised for using love instead of punishment to teach their kids about right and wrong. Surely if we don’t punish, we aren’t doing our duty? We should be tougher with our kids. Tough love, you know. Or maybe what we’re doing is in perfect accord with our beliefs.
A week or two ago, I was reading the Gospel of Luke:
One of the Pharisees invited Jesus to a meal. When he arrived at the Pharisee’s house and took his place at table, a woman came in, who had a bad name in the town. She had heard he was dining with the Pharisee and had brought with her an alabaster jar of ointment. She waited behind him at his feet, weeping, and her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them away with her hair; then she covered his feet with kisses and anointed them with the ointment.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, ‘If this man were a prophet, he would know who this woman is that is touching him and what a bad name she has.’ Then Jesus took him up and said, ‘Simon, I have something to say to you.’ ‘Speak, Master’ was the reply. ‘There was once a creditor who had two men in his debt; one owed him five hundred denarii, the other fifty. They were unable to pay, so he pardoned them both. Which of them will love him more?’ ‘The one who was pardoned more, I suppose’ answered Simon. Jesus said, ‘You are right.’
Then he turned to the woman. ‘Simon,’ he said ‘you see this woman? I came into your house, and you poured no water over my feet, but she has poured out her tears over my feet and wiped them away with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but she has been covering my feet with kisses ever since I came in. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. For this reason, I tell you that her sins, her many sins, must have been forgiven her, or she would not have shown such great love. It is the man who is forgiven little who shows little love.’ Then he said to her, ‘Your sins are forgiven.’ Those who were with him at table began to say to themselves, ‘Who is this man, that he even forgives sins?’ But he said to the woman, ‘Your faith has saved you; go in peace.’
In my missal, this reading was introduced with these words: Her many sins have been forgiven, or she would have not shown such great love.
Aren’t we called to imitate Jesus? Shouldn’t we forgive our kids rather than make them suffer for their mistakes? If we do forgive, our children will want to be worthy of our love. They will want to make up for anything they’ve done wrong. They will want to become the people God created them to be.
Some Extra Things
A Podcast
Here’s a podcast about mistakes and forgiveness. In episode 21, Being Honest:Talking About Mistakes and Forgiveness. I share how my family helped me get through a very difficult day by loving me despite my failings.
An old Facebook post
I’ve had lots of days when I’ve needed help and forgiveness and love. Here are some words that I posted on Facebook a few years ago (before I deleted my account) about another difficult time:
Do you ever have times when you fall apart? You just can’t cope? You question everything you’re doing? I felt like this last week. You see, we’re not a perfect family. In particular, I’m far from the perfect mother I’d like to be. I’ve wondered if I’m on the wrong pathway. What if I’m leading others astray by sharing my stories?
Yes, I’ve had a low week. But this morning, I woke up and one of the first things I thought about was how, the other day, when I wasn’t coping, when I no longer wanted to be a mother, my girls wrapped their arms around me and held me tight. They didn’t criticise and condemn me. They just loved me as I was. All the pain and hurt came flooding out with my tears. It was okay. Unconditional love. That’s what it’s all about. We don’t have to be perfect. As long as we love and forgive and help each other. And that’s what I’d like to share with you today.
Lots of other parenting stories
You can also find that old FB post in my book Radical Unschool Love.I incorporated it into a story. Of course, you’ll find lots of other unconditional or radical love stories in my book!
Photos
My daughter Sophie took these photos of Charlotte, Imogen and Gemma-Rose on Charlotte’s birthday.
So, what do you think? Do you think we should forgive instantly? Have you ever experienced the power of unconditional love?