How Choosing a Different Path Can Cause Conflict

When we choose to do things differently from those around us, it’s rarely simple. Although we might say that it’s okay for everyone to do what suits their own family – which is true – somehow it’s hard not to be affected by each other’s choices and opinions.

As unschoolers, we might get criticised for our choices. Some people want to give us advice. They think we’re making a big mistake and feel compelled to say something. I guess they’re well-meaning. They might just not understand what we’re doing. Unschooling can sound a bit crazy, can’t it?

Maybe we can shrug off other people’s criticism, but what if someone thinks we’re criticising them? If we’ve chosen a different pathway, does it look like we think what others are doing is wrong? Because if we thought their way was okay, wouldn’t we have chosen it too?

I might say that unschooling is the right way to live. (I often do!) Someone who isn’t unschooling could translate that into “I think your way of living is wrong.”

“Love unconditionally” turns into “I don’t love unconditionally? Is that what you’re saying?”

“We can’t make kids learn anything they don’t want to know about” might give someone the idea that unschoolers think that parents are wasting their time making their kids learn what parents feel is important.

If I explain why I never sent my kids to school, do teachers and parents of school kids get upset when they read my words? For, of course, my reasons might sound like a criticism of their choices and even their vocation.

Someone did once take offence at something I wrote. I was very surprised by how upset this person became. It was hard dealing with the hurt feelings especially as I hadn’t intended to be critical. I think about what went wrong. Was I just insensitive with my words or was the other person too quick to take offence? Looking back, I think the only way to have avoided the conflict would have been for me to have stayed quiet. Perhaps I shouldn’t have expressed my opinion.

Keeping quiet and not telling anyone what we truly believe is one way of avoiding possible conflict. I used to do this a lot. When parents were talking about homeschooling or parenting, I’d stay quietly in the background. If I’d revealed what we were doing – which was different from everyone else -maybe someone would have thought that I was criticising their choices.

There are still times when I refrain from talking about my opinions. Which is all rather silly because anyone can find out what I think and what our family is doing by reading this blog or my books or by listening to my podcasts. Our life is hardly a secret.

Perhaps staying quiet isn’t the answer. We’re all entitled to have opinions, aren’t we? And you never know: someone might need to hear what we have to say. Also, we might learn something by engaging in discussions with people who have different opinions to us. We’re not always right.

So what do we do? Express our opinions in a way that involves respect for other people? And refuse to take offence at other people’s words? Because, although we often have no control over what people say, we can choose how we respond. We could assume that other people aren’t out to intentionally hurt us. Maybe they just don’t understand what we’re doing. Could they feel insecure? Is that why they’re getting upset? Of course, it might be us who’s feeling insecure and defensive.

If other people’s opinions do make us feel upset, maybe dismissing them isn’t the best thing to do. If we’re brave and discuss the issues, two things could happen. After closer examination, we could end up feeling more certain of our opinion. Our confidence will rise. Then other people’s opinions won’t have the same power over us. Or we might change our minds about what we believe. Either way, the outcome is good.

Did you hear that I was invited to speak about unschooling in Canberra last Saturday? The thoughts in this post resulted from some conversations I had with the Canberra unschoolers. We concluded that choosing the less travelled pathway is sometimes difficult. But we still have to do what we feel is right for our families. Which is what everyone should be free to do, isn’t it? Without criticising or taking offence. Just accepting each other’s choices.

Something Extra

A blog post and podcast about criticism:

Dealing with Our Fear and Other People’s Critical Comments

There’s a section called Criticism and Fear in my unschooling book Curious Unschoolers.

Photos

My daughter Sophie took these photos of sister Imogen while we were visiting the National Museum of Australia which is in Canberra. The museum building is stunning, a feast for the eyes, and full of meaning.

So I’m wondering if you ever have to deal with other people’s critical comments. Or perhaps some people feel you are criticising their choices just because you’re travelling a different path? And have you ever been to Canberra? Perhaps you live in this beautiful city!