Pondering Trust

I never wanted to be in a position where I had to trust God. I preferred to rely on my own resources. I wanted to be totally in control of my own life. That seemed easier to do because trusting is so very difficult. Or so it can seem.

Then one day, at a time when I was feeling rather proud of the way I was handling my life and my family, my world fell apart:

“I’m very sorry but I don’t think your unborn baby will survive after birth.”

It’s strange how everything can change with a few words. The reins of my life were instantly jerked from my hands. My life began galloping along, totally out of my control. Five agonising months of waiting passed and Thomas was born. A day later he died in my arms. I wanted to die too. How was I ever to survive the grief? I wasn’t as strong and as perfect as I had previously believed. I turned to God because I had nowhere else to go.

For month after month, grief gripped my heart tightly, refusing to let go. Again and again, I fell into a pit of near-despair. Many, many times I no longer wanted to fight the pain. I just wanted to lie down and give up.

I knew I had to trust that God was helping me, even though He felt so remote. The words Jesus I trust in You were constantly on my lips, as I battled the thought He might have abandoned me. I had to believe God would bring me through the grief, that the suffering had meaning and that joy would return to my life.

Nearly two years after Thomas died, we erected a headstone over his grave. On that headstone are the words: Jesus I trust in You. They are words of thanksgiving. God did indeed bring us through that sorrow.

There have been many other times since the loss of our son when we’ve had to trust God. Today, I’m still trusting. You see, we don’t live a perfect life. There are so many things I can’t fix on my own. I just place them in God’s hands and trust He will sort things out as they are meant to be.

Unschoolers talk about trust all the time. Do we have enough trust to unschool? I wonder what that means. Is it a case of putting trust in the unschooling process alone? Or do we trust because we feel unschooling is what God wants us to do?  It could be both. I know there are many people without any faith who successfully unschool. It’s not necessarily a religious thing to do. But I also feel an unschooling life can be totally compatible with a life lived for God. Doesn’t God want everyone, regardless of their situation, to trust Him? He wants all of us to live in the moment, accepting His plan for our lives and not our own, relying on Him and not ourselves: Abandonment to Divine Providence. Trust is something we all have to do.

I think back to that time when I didn’t want to trust: when I didn’t want to hand over control of my life to God. I thought I could do everything by myself. And I now wonder why I wanted to be in control. That’s a lot of responsibility. It involves a lot of worries. Isn’t it better just to follow where God leads? Isn’t it better to trust?

I wonder why it was so hard to do this. Why did my world have to spin out of control before I was willing to place my life properly in God’s hands? I just don’t know. If I’d known the peace, the joy, and the love that was waiting for me, I’d never have hesitated. But then again, if I’d known all about those, there would have been no reason to trust.

Is trust all about love? How much do we love? Do we appreciate how much God loves us?

Maybe my thoughts are muddled. I’m still pondering.