The Problem With Being Too Nice

Are you too nice? I am.

I want to help everyone. Support and encouragement are my middle names. Send me an email and I’ll spend hours answering it. Write me a comment and I’ll always reply. Ask for some mentoring and I’ll do my best even though you tell me you can’t pay.

I write a book. And another. Then I decide I need to offer something extra. How about a book club?

I pay for blog and podcast hosting and software and loads of other things so I can continue offering unschooling help.

And then one day, I stop. I become sensible instead of nice.  I decide I need some way to support what I do. I can’t offer everything for free.

Then I forget about being sensible. I create a membership site because I want to help people turn the ideas I write about into something real in their lives. There’s a fee for the membership site, but maybe my book sales can cover the cost. So I decide that anyone who has purchased both of my books can join my community. Then I think: no, that’s too much to ask. Members only have to buy one book. And then after a couple of weeks, I say, don’t worry about buying my books. Anyone can join. I’ll pay the membership site hosting fee myself. It’ll be worth it. I’ll be able to help and support everyone in a more personal way if we have a private place to gather.

Blog commenters stop by and I answer their questions and then they disappear. And I shrug and I say, that’s the nature of blogging.

I write long emails with mentoring help and don’t receive any replies or thanks. And I tell myself that I don’t do this for thanks.

People stop visiting my book club and I tell myself it’s my fault: it was a silly idea.

People ask to join my community and I send them an invitation and some don’t take the time to accept. Did they change their minds? Too busy? Is the membership site just one more thing among many. Not that important.

I welcome members to my site and invite them to contribute and a few beautiful people do but a lot don’t. Not one word.

And I think: what am I doing? Perhaps I’m offering something that no one requires. I’m like a free Kindle book. Good to gather. Never read. Something that’s not needed. But, hey, it was free. Put it on the shelf. One day, it might come in handy. Or not.

But I keep going because of a few kind and encouraging and loving friends. It’s not about numbers, is it?

And then one day, I realise that after supporting unschoolers for year after year after year, I’ve had enough. Being too nice has taken its toll. I no longer want to persuade people to read my blog, listen to my podcast, join my community, buy my books.

I have reached rock bottom.

Right now, I have nothing left to give. I can’t support anyone through this current crisis. I’m not surviving myself.

I want to run away which isn’t possible because we’re supposed to stay at home. But I can turn off the Internet. Disappear. Stop being too nice. Because you know what? Everyone will do fine without me. I don’t need to do this.

What I need to do is think about my own family. I have kids who’ve lost their jobs, and a husband who can’t stay home like most of the world because he has to go to school. And me? I’m tired of fighting the shopping hoarders for groceries. I’m fed up of always arriving in the toilet roll aisle a few minutes too late.

My nice side is trying to speak. It wants to say, Sue, remember you’re healthy. So is your family. Today, you didn’t get any toilet paper, but you managed to buy a few rolls of paper towels. The girls have lost their jobs, but Andy has secure work even if it’s stressful at the moment. There are people much worse off than you.

That’s the trouble with being too nice: I can’t be honest about how I’m feeling. I should be able to deal with everything. Keep going. Smile and pretend nothing’s wrong. Because what will people say if they discover I’m not as nice as I try to make out?

Of course, no one need know I’m upset, discouraged, tired, fed up of giving when I often receive no thanks, being a free Kindle book, in need of support myself. I could delete this post. Don’t post it. Don’t ruin your reputation says too nice Sue. You’re solid, strong, dependable, calm in the face of a crisis, accepting, gentle, giving.

No, I’m not. I’m too nice. And that’s not good for me and my family.

I’m not superwoman. Actually, I’m rather ordinary. Today I’m empty.

I’m going to hide in my room and have a cry,

Something Extra

After I wrote this post, I made a podcast version which includes some extras. In episode 171, I’m also talking about the A-Z blogging challenge and sharing an old challenge story called You Come to Visit.

A big thank you to everyone who left me a kind comment. Your love, prayers and encouragement made a huge difference!