How do you feel when your children try things out in public with everybody looking on? Do you admire their courage and say, “Have a go!” Or do you worry they’ll fail?
When my kids were much younger, we made a last-minute decision to attend a five-day homeschool camp. When the people organising the music for the daily Masses heard we’d be there, they asked my daughter, Imogen, to play the organ.
“Should I give it a go, Mum?”
“You’ve never played the music before,” I said. “There won’t be much time to practise. Perhaps you shouldn’t take on more than you can cope with. What if it doesn’t work out? Maybe you should let someone else do it.”
“But there isn’t anyone else,” said Imogen. “And I’d like to give it a go. It doesn’t matter if I don’t play perfectly. I’ll be fine.”
I looked at my daughter, whose eyes were shining. She was excited. She wanted to play the organ at Mass. She had the opportunity to do something she’d never done before. I couldn’t squash Imogen’s enthusiasm, so I decided to stop influencing her and trust that she knew what she was doing and would be okay.
Why do we sometimes want to discourage our kids from being adventurous and trying new things? Does it really matter if they fail? Where do our fears come from? Why do parents worry about failing so much when our kids don’t worry about it? Is it because of our own experiences as children?
When I was at school, I was afraid of many things. I was afraid my assignments wouldn’t be good enough, and I would fail exams.
I was afraid of letting people down. I feared my parents would get upset if I didn’t have a good report card. I feared people would laugh at me if I made a mistake.
People encouraged me to fear by saying such things as “What if you don’t pass your exams? You won’t get into university, and then you won’t get a good job, and your future will be ruined.”
Yes, people passed on their fears to me. I learned that it was better not to try anything new just in case I failed. Making a mistake or failing always made me feel bad.
So, how did Imogen go playing the organ? She did wonderfully. Afterwards, I said, “I didn’t know you could play like that. You didn’t even have much practice, and I thought the music was too complicated for you.”
Imogen replied, “Well, to be honest, Mum, the music was too complicated. I simplified it as I was going along.”
I didn’t know that Imogen could simplify music as she was playing. I don’t think anyone noticed she’d done this. I didn’t. The music sounded fine to me.
Kids are amazing. Sometimes, they are far more capable than parents realise. Maybe we should have more confidence in our children and encourage them to give things a go.
And if they do fail, that’s okay. We all learn from our failures.
Of course, if we pass on the message that failure is unacceptable, something to fear, our kids won’t take risks. They won’t try anything new. They won’t learn.
Parenting is full of fears, isn’t it? Mostly, being afraid is a waste of time. However, there’s one fear that’s worth thinking about:
We should fear passing on our fears to our kids.
I told this story in episode 66 of my Stories of an Unschooling Family podcast, The Fear of Failing. I also shared other fear-filled stories, like the one about recording a music video in a leech-infested bush. Maybe you’d like to hear it?
And I shared how I used to fear going to work because of the possibility of being asked to assist with surgery, a task I didn’t feel confident to do. That story is in my book, Radical Unschool Love.
Parenting Without Fear
Here’s a post about parenting and fear for my Buy Me a Coffee supporters. A virtual coffee helps keep my blog online. It also gives you access to all my password-protected posts like this one. Why not consider becoming a magnificent supporter?
