2 June 2011

Time to Unschool

 

Gemma-Rose (7) had a loose front tooth. Every spare moment, she could be found, fingers in her mouth, wiggling and twisting and turning that little tooth. Soon it was hanging by a thread. At lunchtime, two days ago, it finally fell out after one bite of her sandwich, much to my youngest daughter’s delight and relief. She presented it to me on the palm of her hand as if it were a trophy, as if she’d achieved something tremendous. And, of course, we all congratulated her and shared in her happy moment.

“You can write a blog post about your tooth,” Imogen suggested.

“You’ll need some photos,” Sophie added.

“I’ll get the camera.”

Gemma-Rose obligingly opened her mouth wide in a huge grin and snap! snap! this childhood milestone was captured forever.

Gemma-Rose looks so cute. My mother’s heart goes soft and gooey looking at her. I just want to pick her up and hug and kiss her.

So what has all this got to do with unschooling?

We have been homeschooling since 1992. That sounds like a long time, doesn’t it? However, it doesn’t feel that way. It seems like only yesterday that we began homeschooling our first child. And soon, perhaps the day after tomorrow, the adventure will be over. Before we know it, our youngest child, Gemma-Rose will be all grown up and setting off into the wide world to live a life of her own.

Our daughter Felicity sometimes describes herself as the guinea pig child. I know what she means. I was the oldest child in my family too. Yes, her upbringing and the way we homeschooled her was a bit of an experiment.

I remember the day we brought Felicity home from the hospital. I gathered her in my arms, that tiny tightly wrapped bundle of newborn baby, and I walked out through the hospital doors rather hesitantly, expecting to be stopped any moment: “Excuse me Madam, but we can’t just let you walk out of here with that baby. Where’s your experience? Do you know how to bring up a baby? She’s too precious to be given to just anyone.” But of course, no one stopped me. Felicity belonged to us and it was our job to discover the best way of raising her.

We did our best and she survived the first five years, despite our rather bumbling style of parenting. And then the day arrived when we had to consider her education. We decided not to send our daughter to school. Surely we could teach her at home? Of course, in the beginning, we didn’t know much about homeschooling. Like parenting, we had to learn about it on the go.

I think about those up and down years as we tried to gain experience and confidence and find the best way to educate our children. It wasn’t easy. Quite often I felt so stressed out trying to do what was right for my children. I had to be not only the best mother but the best homeschooling mother too. And I didn’t really know how I was to achieve that. At times I felt such a sense of responsibility. I felt as if I were carrying a huge burden.

There were days when I’d crack: “If you don’t do your school work, if you don’t learn this or that, if you don’t try, I will send you to school. I can’t take any more.” I’d rush out the back door and sit on the garden wall, my head pounding, my heart racing. I’d kept my children home so we could enjoy each other, so I could give the best to them. And some days we didn’t enjoy anything at all: the baby would be crying, the toddler was demanding, and I didn’t seem to have the energy to encourage the older ones along, to make them do the work I thought they should be doing. I didn’t enjoy feeling so tired and helpless and frustrated. I felt I was failing both as a mother and a homeschooling parent. Was it worth it? Should I just carry out my threat and send my children to school? But I couldn’t quite do it. I knew this job of raising and educating my children was mine alone and I had to find a way that worked.

READ  Unschooling: Frozen to the Bone

After some time sitting on my sun-drenched wall trying to calm down, with my children peering anxiously out the window at their ‘dragon’ mother, I’d return and force a smile on my face saying, “Grab the picnic basket and make some sandwiches. We’re going bushwalking.” Worried expressions would instantly disappear and everyone would fly around the kitchen gathering the necessary supplies. Part of me would think, “You should make them return to the work they didn’t complete. What kind of lesson are you teaching them?” But most of me didn’t care. I just wanted to forget all the problems, leave them behind at home and set out on an adventure.

Soon we’d be tramping down the bush tracks, taking turns carrying the baby and swinging the toddler along. And I would look at my kids with love, and think, “This is what it’s all about.” Joy had returned to the day. I’d come home thinking, “I want to homeschool my children, but I don’t want to fight with them. They won’t learn anything in an atmosphere of conflict, and our relationship will be ruined. We are a family. And a family should be a place of love, joy, encouragement, support and peace as well as a place of growth and learning.”

Gradually I was discovering what was really important. And bit by bit, I rejected anything that led us away from that close and happy relationship that I knew was the most important thing in the world. I realised that a lot of what was causing our conflict was other people’s expectations and timetables:
My children had to do this, that, and the other, not because it fulfilled their needs, but because someone (not very important) expected them to achieve this or that. Worse, sometimes this or that had to be achieved by a particular age. And sometimes I brought trouble upon myself: I simply wanted my children to do certain things to impress certain (not very important) people.

Also, our homeschooling routine didn’t take into account the needs of our little people. Either I taught the older children or I looked after the younger ones. I couldn’t seem to do both at the same time.

But we learn with prayer and time and experience. Eventually, I let go of all those expectations imposed on us from outside. I learnt to listen to my children. And trust. Now we are homeschooling the gentle way, the unschooling way. Our children are learning but not at the expense of our family relationships.

And so here we are, many years later, our last child seven years old. And my problem these days isn’t finding a method that works for our family. No. Our problem is time, time that passes so quickly. The day after tomorrow will arrive very soon and my homeschooling days will be over. So I have to make every moment count. I have to live for today and enjoy every minute.

And how I wish I could have had the confidence to do that with our first child.

“What shall we do this morning?” I ask my younger two girls. They look longingly at the book that’s lying on the coffee table.

“Could you start Ballet Shoes, Mum?”

I remember this old childhood friend and settle down, with the girls snuggled up one on each side.

Soon we are absorbed in the tale with me reading and an occasional question from Gemma-Rose: “What’s a fossil, Mum?”

I come to the end of the first chapter. “Ohhh! Couldn’t you read just a bit more, Mum? Please!”

Both girls have pleading looks on their faces. Who could resist?

Later, my throat dry and my voice scratchy, I finally close the book. And Gemma-Rose smiles. She opens her mouth wide and I see the gap where once she had a tooth. She looks so cute. I just want to hug her and kiss her. I think about time and how it passes so quickly. Soon I won’t have a little girl.

And I reach out and I pull Gemma-Rose onto my lap and close my eyes and I enjoy.

Sue Elvis

I'm an Australian blogger, podcaster, and Youtuber. I write and speak about unschooling, parenting and family life. I'm also the author of the unschooling books 'Curious Unschoolers', 'Radical Unschool Love' and ‘The Unschool Challenge’. You'll find them on Amazon!

9 Comments

  1. 'I don't want to have brilliant children at the expense of our relationship.' – I totally agree with you, Sue!

    I think of the many people I know who are not brilliant, but are honest, good, loving and holy people – they are the role models I want for my children. I, also, think brilliance is a gift, rather than a goal.

    I love the way unschooling allows the children to develop their own special talents, and doesn't restrict them to other people's ideas of success:)

  2. Hi Vicky! I guess I used to think of homeschooling as a means to academic success eg I can teach my children better than school can. Later I thought good family, personal and spiritual relationships were more important than attaining a high level of learning. But maybe it's not one or the other. Perhaps unschooling can develop a child's academic gifts but good relationships won't be lost in the process. Yes, some children aren't headed for academic brilliance and other gifts are equally valid or even more important. And these will be nurtured in the unschool environment too.

  3. So precious our time with our children. Its not long enough before they fly….another great inspiring post…leanne

  4. Thank you, Leanne. Perhaps we spend too much of that precious time we have with our children worrying, instead of enjoying.

  5. Thank you SO MUCH for this blog post. It made me cry so much. After a terrible morning with my child, I REALLY needed to read this…. THANK YOU <3 So wonderful to meet a Christian Unschooler, as that is where my resistance to unschooling lay. I have been trying to work out how to fit unschooling into "train up a child the way he should go". But at times God has shown me that verse means something different. Finding your blog has been a true Godsend. Thank you.

    • Alicia,

      I’m so sorry to hear you had a bad morning with your child. Parenting and homeschooling can be so hard at times, can’t they? I’m glad you connected with the words in my post. It’s an old one that I wrote a few years ago. I dug it out of the archive and pinned it to my homepage only a couple of hours before you read it. Maybe I pinned it for you!

      Unschooling and our faith do seem at first glance to be incompatible. But the longer we unschool, the more deeply I believe that unschooling is the way God wants us to live. ‘Train up a child the way he should go’. Perhaps that means we should guide our kids – by connecting with them and being a good example – so that they choose to do what is right. Instead of us insisting that they go in the right direction, they will freely want to go there themselves. We can stop battling, stop worrying, and trust that with unschooling and God’s grace our kids will be okay. Training… being a good example isn’t easy. Nor is loving unconditionally. And sometimes we might want to be in control and not have to trust our kids or God. We might prefer to do things our way. Yes, unschooling can be very hard at times. But it is also a way of life overflowing with joy and love and peace. And isn’t this what God wants for us?

      Sometimes God surprises us, doesn’t He? He sends help in the most unexpected ways. Unschooling was our answer. Maybe it will be yours as well!

      I’m always happy to chat if you have any questions. I haven’t written any new posts recently, but I have been posting daily on Instagram. If you have an account, we could connect there!

      It’s good to chat with you. Thank you for stopping by!

    • Little hare,

      Thank you for hopping over to read my post. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Just wondering if you and your husband could talk about education in general. Have a no pressure chat about what you both liked about your own educations and what you didn’t, and what your hopes are for your children. Maybe your conversation will lead gently and naturally to unschooling without that word ever being mentioned!

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