Every birthday, Andy buys Gemma-Rose a heavy metal t-shirt. Our daughter knows nothing about this kind of music except it was a big part of her dad’s life when he was her age. And that makes it special to her.
When Andy and I were young parents, we invited new friends to lunch, and while I was giving them a tour of our home, I noticed how they raised their eyebrows when they saw my huge Stephen King book collection. Although they didn’t say anything directly, the conversation turned towards the subject of keeping our kids safe from the bad influences in the world: books, TV shows, and music. We have to be careful what we allow into our homes. My books were obviously on the unapproved list. What about our heavy metal music collection? I knew I had to get rid of it fast before our new friends discovered it and realised we were irresponsible parents, unlike them.
So Andy reluctantly hauled all his treasured music records and all my books to the tip. I felt sad. Years of our lives were being tossed away into the garbage. But I was also relieved. We’d created a safe home. We could invite people over without worrying about what they’d think of us. Maybe we’d be regarded as good, caring parents and be liked and accepted.
Is heavy metal music dangerous? Should we not read Stephen King books? Did our friends save our kids and us from bad influences? Maybe. Maybe not. That’s not the point of this story.
What I’m thinking about is this:
Often we make decisions based on the opinions and expectations of others. Without considering whether something is good for us or not, whether it suits our family or fulfils our needs and those of our children, we toss away anything that might make us unacceptable in the eyes of other people. All it takes is a few words, the tone of someone’s voice, or some raised eyebrows, and we begin to doubt ourselves.
Why don’t we stand firm and have confidence in our opinions and decisions? Why don’t we trust ourselves? Why are we so easily swayed by other people? Is it because we have a deep longing for acceptance and a place to belong?
Gemma-Rose wears her Metallica t-shirt, which doesn’t indicate a love of heavy metal music. Instead, it represents a connection between a father and a daughter. It’s a symbol of their love.
Love?
Are strong bonds of love and connection the best way to keep our kids safe?
Something Extra
Here’s a short caption about our need for acceptance that I wrote a while ago for Instagram:
We could be too afraid to be ourselves because what if no one likes who we really are? What if people disagree with our opinions? What if they think we’re strange? If we’re honest, will we lose our friends?
Perhaps it’s safer to pretend we’re just like everyone else so that we’re accepted because it could be lonely not having a place to belong.
But does that kind of ‘belonging’ satisfy us? Will it bring us happiness? Or do we realise that, although we might fool other people, we can’t deceive ourselves? Belonging is only an illusion.
So, shall we aim for acceptance? Or will we be brave? Say what we believe, live our own lives instead of someone else’s, and be ourselves.
If we pretend, will we end up being accepted by a group of people who are all too afraid to be themselves?
So, I’m wondering if you’ve ever thrown anything away, not because you truly believed it was unsafe for your kids, but because you were afraid of what people might say about your choices.
I just have to confess….I actually attended a Metallica concert with my husband! We flew to San Francisco to attend the concert. I wore ear plugs the entire time. Metallica is one of my husband’s favorite bands. I am more of an Amy Grant girl! I enjoyed the trip because we had the chance to spend so much time together.
Gina,
I love how you wore ear plugs at the Metallica concert! We used to turn up the volume of our heavy metal music, and we also went to a few loud concerts without thinking about our ears. I’m sure my hearing was slightly damaged by all the noise.
I also love how you were willing to go to a Metallica concert when you prefer Amy Grant!
This really resonates with me because I am a foreigner in this lovely country and the community in which I live is quite close knit. To be frank they don’t need me, they already have their friends and family that go way back. I often found it difficult to chip the surface of the friendship groups. Sometimes I felt tolerated, they’ll talk to me for a bit just to be polite and feel like they’re including me, but then head back to their proper groups which I’m not a part of. I found that I made friends a lot with people who were also from other places and they make lovely friends. I am very careful in my homeschool groups because although I’ve made friends, I am aware that my children’s social group is very dependent on me fitting in that group. I’ve made huge efforts over the years with people so they are included and it’s not always been easy. I’m lucky that I’ve made some great friends, but I am still always careful as if I do something to upset them then they can ditch my family and it won’t affect them that much, I’m fairly replaceable by the church friends they have, other people they already have in their lives. So i get how you feel the need to make almost a mask of suitability according to the people you are with.
As far as keeping them safe, that’s a tricky one. I was very nervous about lots of things, but I am aware that they will have those things one day and by then they may not respect my opinions enough to listen to my fears so with some things I give it to them early in a more shared responsibility way so we can discuss pitfalls and risks etc. I try and give it to them in a safe way at an age when they can cope with it. I often read books out loud to them that are more grown up than they would read themselves and I either tell them i’m skipping something and why or we read it and then discuss it so they can have gentle supportive exposure. Others don’t always agree. Great post, very interesting. Also my son was pain free for about four days I think we’re getting there xx
Willcress,
It’s hard to find somewhere to belong, where we feel comfortable being ourselves, isn’t it? Yes, we find ourselves being careful about what we reveal about our family so we’ll be accepted. Our kids need friends. I used to be concerned that my kids would be labelled a ‘bad influence’. Maybe none of the parents would want them associating with their children.
Oh yes, I agree that it’s better to allow our kids access to the real and sometimes seemingly dangerous world (taking their age into consideration) while we are around to guide them and talk about the pitfalls and risks.
I’m so glad your son had some pain-free days. I hope his heath continues to improve!