Sharing the Ice Cream and Rejecting Tough Love

There’s a woman on YouTube who sips wine from a large glass while digging into a family-sized bucket of ice cream. She has some advice for parents. Her message goes something like this:

Parents take back the reins. Forget all this being friends stuff. Show some tough love. It doesn’t matter if our kids protest and say such things as, “I don’t like you!” Hey, parenting isn’t a popularity contest. Take control. The battle is on, and we’re going to win.

I’ve written about this woman before in a story called Can We Be Both Parent and Friend? It’s in my book, Radical Unschool Love. I talked about how, years ago, I also wanted my kids to obey me. Life was difficult. I was often overtired. I’d yell, “I’m the parent, and you’re the child. Just do what I say!”

Somewhere down the track, unlike this YouTubing mother, I realised we need to respect our kids. Love them unconditionally. Build connections with them. Be friends with them. (Real friendship has nothing to do with popularity contests.)

I also realised that yelling and demanding obedience from kids causes a lot of harm.

I wrote:

Whenever we say such things as “Just do it!” or “I’m the parent!” or “I don’t want to hear another word!” we close down the lines of communication between our children and us. We erect a barrier. We break all connections.

Why are connections so important? When we are connected with our kids, we are the most important people in their lives. They feel loved and respected. They trust us. When they need guidance, they look to us for our opinion. They come to us when they need help. And it’s very likely that our connected kids will adopt our values and beliefs, the ones that we sometimes get so anxious about sharing with them.

Working on our connections might take a lot more effort than saying, “Do it, right this minute!” But surely it’s worth it? Don’t we all want to have strong bonds with our kids? It’s these bonds which allow us to be both parent and friend.

One thing I didn’t talk about in my story was the YouTuber’s ice cream and wine. Are these significant? Had this mother snuck away by herself to enjoy them? Was she having some alone time with some parents-only treats?

I wonder: what would happen if this mother decided to be both a parent and a friend to her kids?

Perhaps she wouldn’t get to eat the whole bucket of ice cream by herself. But shared ice cream is much better than ice cream that comes from a mothers-only bucket, isn’t it? Somehow the smiles on everyone’s faces makes it taste extra delicious.

And the wine? Maybe her children would say, “You look tired, Mum. Go sit down and rest while we wash the dishes.” They might steer her towards a comfortable chair. They might place a glass of wine in her hand. And she might look at her kids and think, “I love being friends with my kids. I’m glad I didn’t listen to all that advice about tough love.”

Perhaps this all sounds unrealistic. Would this really happen? Maybe I’m dreaming. No, I know. It happened to me.

I’m friends with my kids. What about you? Are you friends with yours?

Photo

My daughter Gemma-Rose gave me this beautiful hand painted wine glass. It travelled halfway across the world from an Etsy craftsperson in the northern hemisphere and arrived in perfect condition!

Inside the glass was something expensive and sparkly and absolutely delicious, a gift from a local winery. A rare treat!